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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2019 5:15 am 
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globus wrote:
backrow wrote:
if only the forum had someone with experience of writing jokes professionally, and who could give truthfull terse advice and perhaps even say something funny

:|

Hello!


Nicely done


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2019 7:20 am 
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PA to CEO: Your anger management coach is here, shall I tell him to f uck off again?


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2019 9:35 am 
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inactionman wrote:
What's brown and sticky?




A stick.


This is funnier with the follow up joke.

Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre.


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2019 9:36 am 
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Location: Middle East
World's shortest joke (courtesy of Jimmy Carr)

Venison's dear.


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2019 9:37 am 
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An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk int a bar in Cardif,
The barman says, fuckoff


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2019 10:27 am 
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Location: Suffolk ba
Why did the sun never set on the British Empire?

Because God wouldn't trust an English man in the dark


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2019 10:30 am 
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Location: Down by the Riverside
Blondes prefer cars with sun roofs.
More leg room.


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2019 10:32 am 
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Location: Suffolk ba
Two nuns in the bath:
Where's the soap?
(dreamily) Yes it does, doesn't it


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2019 10:36 am 
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Location: Down by the Riverside
Paddy standing on the edge of the 700ft Cliffs Of Moher, a canary perched on each shoulder.
"What are you doing, Paddy?".
"I'm going to try this budgie jumping"


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2019 2:03 pm 
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Turbogoat wrote:
World's shortest joke (courtesy of Jimmy Carr)

Venison's dear.


I thought it was “Dwarf shortage”


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2019 7:19 pm 
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Location: Suffolk ba
I used to think chiropractors were frauds

But now I stand corrected


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2019 9:16 pm 
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Trostan wrote:
Paddy standing on the edge of the 700ft Cliffs Of Moher, a canary perched on each shoulder.
"What are you doing, Paddy?".
"I'm going to try this budgie jumping"

Bloke beside him is holding a chicken. What are you doing? I’m trying hen-gliding. And your pal with the parrot? He’s always wanted to try parrot-chuting.


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2019 1:41 am 
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Bruce - Sheila do you fcuk?
Sheila - Naww but you talked me into it you smooth son of a biiitch you.


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2019 4:08 am 
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A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a stretcher by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2019 5:49 am 
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ManInTheBar wrote:
Why did the sun never set on the British Empire?

Because God wouldn't trust an English man in the dark

Any truth in the rumour that Paul Kruger uttered that?


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2019 12:10 pm 
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Location: Melbourne
ManInTheBar wrote:
I used to think chiropractors were frauds

But now I stand corrected


:D


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2019 12:15 pm 
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Location: Suffolk ba
Bokkom wrote:
ManInTheBar wrote:
Why did the sun never set on the British Empire?

Because God wouldn't trust an English man in the dark

Any truth in the rumour that Paul Kruger uttered that?


If you're looking for truth here .....


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2019 12:16 pm 
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Jeremy Beadle had a tiny penis - but on the other hand, it was massive


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2019 12:16 pm 
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Turbogoat wrote:
World's shortest joke (courtesy of Jimmy Carr)

Venison's dear.

Dwarf shortage.


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2019 12:21 pm 
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Location: Stockholm
Man goes to the doctor complaining of chronic fatigue. Doctor says, “okay, first you need to do is quit masturbating completely”.

“Why?”

“Because I’m trying to give you a medical assessment!”


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2019 12:30 pm 
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An awkward young lad could never get it on with the ladies so decided to go to the local whorehouse to pop his cherry. So he puts it in for the first time and mutters “it’s huge” The hooker replies “yes sweaty, you’re a right real stallion” so he stops mid stroke and says “no, I meant you”


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2019 12:38 pm 
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How tall was Hitler, and where did he live ?

This high, over there !



(tbf this joke works better in a pub with some hand actions)


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2019 2:10 pm 
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Location: Oundle
That canoeist that ventured out into the frozen wastes and got cold.

He decided to light a fire in the middle of his craft.

It burnt a hole and the craft sank.

The moral of this tale is






You cannot have your kayak and heat it.


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2019 2:11 pm 
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Location: Dublin
backrow wrote:
Jeremy Beadle had a tiny penis - but on the other hand, it was massive


:lol: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2019 4:24 pm 
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Winnie wrote:
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a stretcher by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

:lol: :lol: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2019 5:18 pm 
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A 9 year old told me this joke at the weekend. His.mum then sent him to his room.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Woo

Woo hoo?

Calm down you spastic :shock:

Bit of an 80s throwback word. His mums face :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2019 5:58 pm 
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Winnie wrote:
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a stretcher by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".


:lol: :lol: :thumbup:


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2019 7:11 pm 
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Posts: 1108
I got an insurance quote for my DeLorean. £2,000!
I only want to drive it from time to time...


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2019 10:33 pm 
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Dubh01 wrote:
I got an insurance quote for my DeLorean. £2,000!
I only want to drive it from time to time...


:thumbup:


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2019 10:34 pm 
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Location: Suffolk ba
Why is John Milton banned from casinos?

Cos whenever he's around there's a pair of dice lost


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2019 10:45 pm 
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Location: Down by the Riverside
Quiet guy goes up to the desk in Easons and ask the lady assistant
"Do you have the new self-help book for men with very short penises?"
"I'm not sure. I'll just check on the system.
Mmmm. I don't think it's in yet."

"Yeah! That's the one!"


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2019 12:21 am 
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What's a Shih Tzu?

One without any animals in it.


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2019 12:52 am 
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Trostan wrote:
Quiet guy goes up to the desk in Easons and ask the lady assistant
"Do you have the new self-help book for men with very short penises?"
"I'm not sure. I'll just check on the system.
Mmmm. I don't think it's in yet."

"Yeah! That's the one!"


:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2019 12:56 am 
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Moncreif wrote:
What's a Shih Tzu?

One without any animals in it.


I heard that one as

"I went to a zoo the other day, didn't have any animals except for one dog. It was a Shih Tzu".


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2019 4:39 am 
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Hillary called Donald when she heard about Ruth's health issues -

She said - When Ginsberg dies I want to replace her.

Donald thought about it for a minute and then said -

As long as the funeral home agrees to the switch it is OK with me.


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2019 6:05 am 
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If you have a mothball in one hand and a mothball in the other, what have you got? a bloody big moth.
A green ball in one and a green ball in the other? Total control of the Jolly Green Giant.
A hockey ball in one and a hockey ball in the other? the undivided attention of the (former) Irish Prime Minister.

* this joke may no longer be appropriate.


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2019 3:59 am 
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How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the bitch can cook in the dark.


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2019 4:56 am 
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LandOTurk wrote:
Trostan wrote:
Quiet guy goes up to the desk in Easons and ask the lady assistant
"Do you have the new self-help book for men with very short penises?"
"I'm not sure. I'll just check on the system.
Mmmm. I don't think it's in yet."

"Yeah! That's the one!"


:lol:

:lol: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2019 2:06 pm 
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What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe?


Roberto.


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 Post subject: Re: A few jokes
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2019 4:39 pm 
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Location: Otago, Utopian paradise
A visual gag in the smoking area of a pub, take off a shoe and blow smoke into it, set it on the table and ask what it is.

A Syrian at a bus stop.


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