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 Post subject: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 1:39 pm 
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Do post them here.

I'm up to 1350. Could do with a few thousand more.

I've got a gig to do shortly. I reckon I can fill at least 4 hours but I'm getting bored.

Any amusing stuff out there lately?

I have nailed all Tommy Cooper and varicose other afficiondos of the skill.

I have died in a few pubs in the London East End.

This is a bit of a survival oooooooooooooh nasty.

Got to come up with a few gags. Hopefully not into the sink.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 2:48 pm 
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A group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini shirts.

Ten years later at age 50 the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive, the food and service was good, and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years leter at age 60 the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later at age 70 the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later at age 80 the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet in Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 2:54 pm 
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we don’t have any vegetable jokes on here, do we?

So if you do, lettuce know!


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 3:14 pm 
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troglodiet wrote:
A group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini shirts.

Ten years later at age 50 the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive, the food and service was good, and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years leter at age 60 the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later at age 70 the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later at age 80 the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet in Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

I shall be 'avin a word with you, Trogs.

Not entirely accurate; but getting there.

By the way, Wetherspoons in Milton Keynes is to be avoided!


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 3:46 pm 
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The good news is that after this operation your penis will be long enough to reach the floor.
The bad news is that we're amputating both legs above the knee.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 4:46 pm 
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Gwenno wrote:
The good news is that after this operation your penis will be long enough to reach the floor.
The bad news is that we're amputating both legs above the knee.

I have good news and bad news.

Bad. We have amputated the wrong leg.

Good. The other one is getting better.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 4:54 pm 
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Just written a cracker about Teresa May. If I get some royalties, I shall post it.

By the way. A lovely gag I wrote a long while ago has surfaced.

It involves a certain Mr Arch*r.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 4:59 pm 
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globus wrote:
Do post them here.

I'm up to 1350. Could do with a few thousand more.

I've got a gig to do shortly. I reckon I can fill at least 4 hours but I'm getting bored.

Any amusing stuff out there lately?

I have nailed all Tommy Cooper and varicose other afficiondos of the skill.

I have died in a few pubs in the London East End.

This is a bit of a survival oooooooooooooh nasty.

Got to come up with a few gags. Hopefully not into the sink.


4hrs, that's Ken-Dodd-like!

Stage name?


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 5:05 pm 
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Been going down the list. It looks like I may have to drop a few dozen.

"What do you get if you cross an apple with as nun?" is in the bin.

Plus the one about the chap who ordered a certain number of cocktails.

Bet you've not heared that. I wrote it. I claim responsibility and patent is pending.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 5:15 pm 
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grubberkick wrote:
globus wrote:
Do post them here.

I'm up to 1350. Could do with a few thousand more.

I've got a gig to do shortly. I reckon I can fill at least 4 hours but I'm getting bored.

Any amusing stuff out there lately?

I have nailed all Tommy Cooper and varicose other afficiondos of the skill.

I have died in a few pubs in the London East End.

This is a bit of a survival oooooooooooooh nasty.

Got to come up with a few gags. Hopefully not into the sink.


4hrs, that's Ken-Dodd-like!

Stage name?


I never had one actually. I was just a bit of a fill in. There are plenty out there who have done warm ups for others and you never neccesarily know them at all.

I do it for friends and family now which means about 95% of my staple comic diet has to go.

This includes the Englishman, Frenchman and Italian at the bar, discussing varicose matters pertaining to life in bed with the lady in their life.

And the bloke in Wales who was a bit disconcerted.

I hit all nationalities, except the English, who are beyond doubt the finest set of people in the world.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 5:19 pm 
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globus wrote:
grubberkick wrote:
globus wrote:
Do post them here.

I'm up to 1350. Could do with a few thousand more.

I've got a gig to do shortly. I reckon I can fill at least 4 hours but I'm getting bored.

Any amusing stuff out there lately?

I have nailed all Tommy Cooper and varicose other afficiondos of the skill.

I have died in a few pubs in the London East End.

This is a bit of a survival oooooooooooooh nasty.

Got to come up with a few gags. Hopefully not into the sink.


4hrs, that's Ken-Dodd-like!

Stage name?


I never had one actually. I was just a bit of a fill in. There are plenty out there who have done warm ups for others and you never neccesarily know them at all.

I do it for friends and family now which means about 95% of my staple comic diet has to go.

This includes the Englishman, Frenchman and Italian at the bar, discussing varicose matters pertaining to life in bed with the lady in their life.

And the bloke in Wales who was a bit disconcerted.

I hit all nationalities, except the English, who are beyond doubt the finest set of people in the world.

Is there any reason you can't tell the joke rather than make oblique references to them?


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 5:21 pm 
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Location: Roodepoort
A flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, and the man she is with, is a fat old slob who looks like a sexual deviant, mean and dangerous!”


The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 6:25 pm 
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Only globby could 'patent' a joke.

Or 'comission' a bathroom.

You're such a vainglorious braggart


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 6:48 pm 
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Location: Middle East
Whiteboards are remarkable.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 7:48 pm 
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globus wrote:

I have died in a few pubs in the London East End.


Aye, no doubt, on a regular basis on this board too.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 8:48 pm 
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globus wrote:
Do post them here.

I'm up to 1350. Could do with a few thousand more.

I've got a gig to do shortly. I reckon I can fill at least 4 hours but I'm getting bored.

Any amusing stuff out there lately?

I have nailed all Tommy Cooper and varicose other afficiondos of the skill.

I have died in a few pubs in the London East End.

This is a bit of a survival oooooooooooooh nasty.

Got to come up with a few gags. Hopefully not into the sink.


Apparently Slobodan Praljak had just been told he was being released and that they were going to this gig as a celebration.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 8:52 pm 
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Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu and Fu, decided that they wanted to move to America to live and make their fortune.....America the brave, America the free, and all that.

Anyway, they went to America and quickly found work and settled down.

After a while, they discussed things, and decided, that since they were Americans now, their Chinese names were no good, and they would have to have American names.

So they thought about it, and decided on new names.

So, Bu became .....Buck.

Chu became ......Chuck.

And Fu went back to China.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 10:45 pm 
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I used to be a necrophiliac until some rotten çunt split on me.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 11:08 pm 
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Ooh, ooh, me me ..me !!!
Okay, listen to this one:
people on here are spending meaningful time posting on this forum.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 11:16 pm 
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Did you hear the one about the narcissistic councillor from Oundle?


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 11:18 pm 
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Turbogoat wrote:
Whiteboards are remarkable.

:thumbup:


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 11:27 pm 
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Location: Bordeaux
I e got a mate who’s half Indian



Ian


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jan 28, 2018 12:37 am 
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plastic frog wrote:
I e got a mate who’s half Indian



Ian


So's my mate Dan.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jan 28, 2018 4:45 am 
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

“Aye matey”

I’m here all week.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jan 28, 2018 4:53 am 
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Ghost-Of-Nepia wrote:
Did you hear the one about the narcissistic councillor from Oundle?

Former councillor.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jan 28, 2018 6:19 am 
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CrazyIslander wrote:
Ghost-Of-Nepia wrote:
Did you hear the one about the narcissistic councillor from Oundle?

Former councillor.

Wrong.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jan 28, 2018 7:07 am 
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globus wrote:
CrazyIslander wrote:
Ghost-Of-Nepia wrote:
Did you hear the one about the narcissistic councillor from Oundle?

Former councillor.

Wrong.

You got voted back?


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jan 28, 2018 1:43 pm 
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CrazyIslander wrote:
globus wrote:
CrazyIslander wrote:
Ghost-Of-Nepia wrote:
Did you hear the one about the narcissistic councillor from Oundle?

Former councillor.

Wrong.

You got voted back?

Never left. Reports of my demise were incorrect.

Incidentally, don't read too much into Facebook comments. Formal vindication has been issued by the Democratic Services Department after a thorough scrutiny. It did take two years but the result was never in doubt for me.

However, those who resigned in a stupid fit of pique are lucky. They will not be pursued as they no longer serve the community but the word is out that they were stinkers. And they were. And liars.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jan 28, 2018 6:54 pm 
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globus wrote:
CrazyIslander wrote:
globus wrote:
CrazyIslander wrote:
Ghost-Of-Nepia wrote:
Did you hear the one about the narcissistic councillor from Oundle?

Former councillor.

Wrong.

You got voted back?

Never left. Reports of my demise were incorrect.

Incidentally, don't read too much into Facebook comments. Formal vindication has been issued by the Democratic Services Department after a thorough scrutiny. It did take two years but the result was never in doubt for me.

However, those who resigned in a stupid fit of pique are lucky. They will not be pursued as they no longer serve the community but the word is out that they were stinkers. And they were. And liars.

FWIW, IMHO, Globby was on the right side of the debate in this issue. But then, being a tycoon whose only rival is OS, the pay rises were meaningless to him. :D


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 29, 2018 1:01 am 
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Here's one shamelessly nicked from Gary Delaney on LATA t’other week, Los Globos, and tweaked for you:

Generally speaking, The Management’s divine on a divan, beyond compare on chair, no bore on the floor [‘Nancy Spungeon in our dungeon’ optional here] and no slouch on the couch… sofa, so good, anyway…

…however the Dunhill marigolds are in for a service at the moment, and she always insists on being dressed appropriately for the occasion – especially when she wants me to , er, take the salute… or install a lift in my GPO tower... pull the head off a stiffenable a deposit in Wobbledomhelp me with 10 minutes of stand-uppunch my Thurrock flanker off the ball – one gets the picture…

I would suggest using her left arm, so she could pretend it’s someone else, but I’m saving that, for reasons which currently escape me…

So she wouldn't be - technically speaking - organising a flesh mob, I suggested she uses an implement to assist matters – the keys to the Bentley, for example.

She just fobbed me off.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 29, 2018 6:14 pm 
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Sheesh. Tough crowd.

Anyway, some ones which I think will be particularly suited, although awful pretense to us (2,4,6):

Did you hear about the dyslexic, insomniac agnostic..?
Spoiler: show
He lay awake all night, wondering if there really is a dog

I see someone’s organising an auto-proctology competition..
Spoiler: show
I think I’ll enter myself

Dr Watson to Sherlock Holmes: “Holmes, old boy, why are you squirting that bottle of Jif over my buttocks..?”
Spoiler: show
”Lemon entry, my dear Watson”

What’s the difference between oral and anal sex?
Spoiler: show
One brightens your day, the other makes your hole weak

Why do Marxists drink herbal tea?
Spoiler: show
Because all proper tea is theft

Why do Methodists disapprove of having sex standing up?
Spoiler: show
It leads to dancing

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up and says:

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see"

"I see millions upon millions of stars, my dear Holmes"

"And what, pray tell, can you from this?"

"Well, Holmes, a number of things…" he says, lighting his pipe..
“Astronomically, I observe that there are millions of galaxies and billions of stars and planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Meteorologically, I expect that the weather will be fine and clear for the next few days.
Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and man - his creation – by comparison small and insignificant.
What about you, Holmes?"

"Watson, you buffon! Someone has stolen our tent!"


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 29, 2018 7:59 pm 
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How does Moses make his cup of tea?

Hebrews it.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 29, 2018 8:32 pm 
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Benthos wrote:
Sheesh. Tough crowd.

Anyway, some ones which I think will be particularly suited, although awful pretense to us (2,4,6):

Did you hear about the dyslexic, insomniac agnostic..?
Spoiler: show
He lay awake all night, wondering if there really is a dog

I see someone’s organising an auto-proctology competition..
Spoiler: show
I think I’ll enter myself

Dr Watson to Sherlock Holmes: “Holmes, old boy, why are you squirting that bottle of Jif over my buttocks..?”
Spoiler: show
”Lemon entry, my dear Watson”

What’s the difference between oral and anal sex?
Spoiler: show
One brightens your day, the other makes your hole weak

Why do Marxists drink herbal tea?
Spoiler: show
Because all proper tea is theft

Why do Methodists disapprove of having sex standing up?
Spoiler: show
It leads to dancing

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up and says:

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see"

"I see millions upon millions of stars, my dear Holmes"

"And what, pray tell, can you from this?"

"Well, Holmes, a number of things…" he says, lighting his pipe..
“Astronomically, I observe that there are millions of galaxies and billions of stars and planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Meteorologically, I expect that the weather will be fine and clear for the next few days.
Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and man - his creation – by comparison small and insignificant.
What about you, Holmes?"

"Watson, you buffon! Someone has stolen our tent!"

:lol: Well done Benthos


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 30, 2018 3:04 am 
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We are going somewhere.

I'm now up to an awful (yes awful) lot of jokes.

I intend to be the Tim Vine and run him a close finish.

If you can do the broccoli one on here, you have my admiration.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 30, 2018 11:26 am 
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Benthos wrote:
Sheesh. Tough crowd.

Anyway, some ones which I think will be particularly suited, although awful pretense to us (2,4,6):

[cut]


Spoiler: show
UPONESSTREET, anag.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 30, 2018 12:21 pm 
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I've died in many a bar in the East End.

There was a landlady who took pity on me and invited me to sleep on her bed. Unfortunately, she wanted to be there as well.

I slept in the car. And it was freezing. I wanted to drive home but if I put the lights on, the windscreen wipers slowed to a crawl and the heating blower went into snooze mode.

You get through these things. As the sun rose, I set out for Cambridge. This was not a good idea. Thankfully I had no need for headlights and was gently warmed as they removed an oil tanker from a ditch.

I shall get the "liar" mob on here shortly. I am prepared.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 30, 2018 8:11 pm 
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Location: End of the road, turn right and first house on the left
It was 1957. Mike goes to pick up his date, Molly.

Molly’s father Samuel opens the door and invites him in.

He asks to Mike what they’re planning to do on the date.

Mike politely responds that they’ll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Molly’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”

Mike was bewildered. “Excuse me, sir?”

“Oh yes, Molly really likes to screw. She’ll screw all night if we let her.”

Molly comes downstairs and announces that she’s ready to go.

About 15 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Molly rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and shouts at her father, “Dad! The Twist! It’s called the Twist!”


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Jan 31, 2018 12:20 am 
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Switzerland is a terrible place but the flag is a big plus


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Jan 31, 2018 2:50 am 
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Why did Matt Giteau cross the road?

Because - 'shut the f*ck up, I'm the captain!'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_F7neLMNzU


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Jan 31, 2018 2:52 am 
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bravo wrote:
Why did Matt Giteau cross the road?

Because - 'shut the f*ck up, I'm the captain!'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_F7neLMNzU

I've never seen that before, that was awesome!


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