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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 3:39 pm 
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Update: 2017 Lions tour on page 6
Update: 6N Diary on page 5 :)

The first shot in the battle of the spoof tour diaries......

Quote:
Day 1

Bonjour butty,
That was French if you didnt know. I'm just practicing my language skills see.

I quite fancy Biarritz, though Paris or Toulon would do.

Dont judge me - we all have to make a living. I've already had one half-French prick set my career back, so I figure the country owes me something.

If not France then Japan. The thought of living in a land once laid waste by nuclear weapons is slightly creepy, but it cant be that different from Cardiff. The stench of raw fish is something I'm used to.

Anyway, I've been asked by Gats to write a tour diary so here it is - installment one. I dont think I'll have a lot of spare time for writing but in fairness I need the practice. I just had my debut fitness book 'Neckcercise' back from the proof reader and it was more decimated than Knobshaw's bum hole after the 6N decider lol.

Back to the drawing board I think, or perhaps a Neckcercise DVD instead.

So, I suppose I should start from the beginning - the afternoon I got that call from Gats. I did wonder if Mr O'Driscoll or Mr O'Connell would get the nod instead of me so I was delighted when the phone rang. I havent been so pleased to hear Warren's voice since the day I was the last one out of the chryo chamber and someone locked me in.

Like f**king Han Solo in Empire Strikes Back I was when I came out.

The phone starts ringing anyway, and so I turned the volume down on Hollyoaks. My dad was on the sofa holding the phone, so I ripped it out of his hands - proper classic 7 mun - and answered.

When Warren said "I want you to be my captain in Australia" it was like the whole world went into slow motion. My neck literally went rock hard and started pulsating.

As you can imagine, the first thing I did was Tweet: "Just been made Lions captain. Delighted.com #fuckyouchris". Gats was livid, so I deleted the Tweet and went to speak to the family. The Moet and Chandon came out. Dad made the joke about me looking just like a bottle of champagne lol.

Nine days I had to keep it all quiet. Imagine keeping something like that from your mates for over a week. Luckily when we're in Wales training camps I barely speak for days on end so I coped with the pressure. A couple of journalists saw the Tweet but I told them I was just doing it to wind up Knobshaw.

I spent the week in my room, just staring at my rugby sticker albums and looking at pictures of the old greats like Mr O'Driscoll, Mr Wilkinson and Mr O'Connell. I hoped they would be ok with me being captain.

I needn't have worried, as on the day of the Lions squad announcement I got a text from Mr O'Connell saying that he was fully behind me. I think that's what he meant by "watch your back". O'Driscoll is obviously keen to help too, as mutual friends have said he wants a word with me at the first squad camp. It's all looking really positive and I'll obviously let you know how it goes.

I'll also update you more on the peripheral squad backup type players as I meet them and get to know them properly, but for me it's really pleasing to know that there will be lots of my Welsh mates around.

Not that I want to isolate or ignore the other two nations that make up the Lions - the Irish and Saes. People perpetuate this myth that the Welsh are somewhat insular and morose tourists, so I intend to blow this theory out the water with one of my famous Manic Street Preachers discussion nights.

Bye for now.

Sam.


Last edited by SamShark on Wed Apr 19, 2017 5:05 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 3:43 pm 
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:lol: :thumbup:


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 3:45 pm 
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"Watch your back!" :lol:


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 3:49 pm 
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Poor ol' Knobshaw...


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 4:08 pm 
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:lol: .....he forgot to mention his online trip to the bookies !!!!!


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 4:13 pm 
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It's very good, however, one criticism......Sam's accent, the player that is, is probably more English than Sam's, the author.

I doubt he would have said mun, ever. Mun.


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 4:15 pm 
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Quote:
Not that I want to isolate or ignore the other two nations that make up the Lions - the Irish and Saes. People perpetuate this myth that the Welsh are somewhat insular and morose tourists, so I intend to blow this theory out the water with one of my famous Manic Street Preachers discussion nights.


:lol:


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 4:17 pm 
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DAC* wrote:
It's very good, however, one criticism......Sam's accent, the player that is, is probably more English than Sam's, the author.

I doubt he would have said mun, ever. Mun.


Or butty. Or finished a sentence of with 'see'. However, top quality stereotyping as usual Sam. :lol:


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 4:19 pm 
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DAC* wrote:
It's very good, however, one criticism......Sam's accent, the player that is, is probably more English than Sam's the author.

I doubt he would have said mun, ever. Mun.


I'd agree.

More likely some superfluous S's at the end of every 4/5th word.

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Like f**king Han Solos in Empire Strikes Backs I was when I cames out.


:thumbup:


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 4:23 pm 
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Made I larf.


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 4:25 pm 
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Jeff the Bear wrote:
DAC* wrote:
It's very good, however, one criticism......Sam's accent, the player that is, is probably more English than Sam's, the author.

I doubt he would have said mun, ever. Mun.


Or butty. Or finished a sentence of with 'see'. However, top quality stereotyping as usual Sam. :lol:


fudge. I tried to make it as believable as possible too :lol:


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 4:25 pm 
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Not enough neck references, but other than that pretty good :thumbup:


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 4:27 pm 
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Akkerman wrote:
Not enough neck references, but other than that pretty good :thumbup:


Less butt, more neck, seems to be the feedback for future diaries.


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 4:27 pm 
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Oh, there's going to be more of them?


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 4:28 pm 
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SamShark wrote:
Jeff the Bear wrote:
DAC* wrote:
It's very good, however, one criticism......Sam's accent, the player that is, is probably more English than Sam's, the author.

I doubt he would have said mun, ever. Mun.


Or butty. Or finished a sentence of with 'see'. However, top quality stereotyping as usual Sam. :lol:


fudge. I tried to make it as believable as possible too :lol:


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cardiff_dialect#Accent


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 4:29 pm 
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JM2K6 wrote:
Oh, there's going to be more of them?


:lol:

Who knows...


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 4:29 pm 
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Chuck in a few references to 'Ha! fudge YOU Gaz Bale! you and your softcock sport, big wages and shiny teeth... let's see YOU get selected to captain a famous UK invitational team... I remember when you crapped yourself in Ms Jones' class...' etc.


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 4:30 pm 
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Cubo-Futurist wrote:
SamShark wrote:
Jeff the Bear wrote:
DAC* wrote:
It's very good, however, one criticism......Sam's accent, the player that is, is probably more English than Sam's, the author.

I doubt he would have said mun, ever. Mun.


Or butty. Or finished a sentence of with 'see'. However, top quality stereotyping as usual Sam. :lol:


fudge. I tried to make it as believable as possible too :lol:


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cardiff_dialect#Accent


Tidy.


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 4:31 pm 
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Jeff the Bear wrote:
DAC* wrote:
It's very good, however, one criticism......Sam's accent, the player that is, is probably more English than Sam's, the author.

I doubt he would have said mun, ever. Mun.


Or butty. Or finished a sentence of with 'see'. However, top quality stereotyping as usual Sam. :lol:


What if he's asking, in a colloquial manner, for a sandwich to be delivered to him on a day that falls between Sunday and Tuesday (naturally, he's busy so doesn't have time to say the name of the day in full), and he's staying in the Essex seaside town of Southend, the full name of which he intones, at the end of his order, as the final line of his delivery address?

What then, eh?

I'd say that's your claims blown out of the water.


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 4:32 pm 
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Short Man Syndrome wrote:
Chuck in a few references to 'Ha! fudge YOU Gaz Bale! you and your softcock sport, big wages and shiny teeth... let's see YOU get selected to captain a famous UK invitational team... I remember when you crapped yourself in Ms Jones' class...' etc.


Spoilers ffs!


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 4:33 pm 
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SamShark wrote:
Cubo-Futurist wrote:
SamShark wrote:
Jeff the Bear wrote:
DAC* wrote:
It's very good, however, one criticism......Sam's accent, the player that is, is probably more English than Sam's, the author.

I doubt he would have said mun, ever. Mun.


Or butty. Or finished a sentence of with 'see'. However, top quality stereotyping as usual Sam. :lol:


fudge. I tried to make it as believable as possible too :lol:


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cardiff_dialect#Accent


Tidy.


Nah, Sam would have said 'Unbelievable'.


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 4:35 pm 
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This is harder than I thought.

Perhaps having a single cultural reference - Gavin and Stacey - to inform my knowledge of Wales isn't great.


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 4:39 pm 
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Quote:
Nah, Sam would have said 'Unbelievable'.


Indeed, with added tone on the ie.


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 4:41 pm 
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Great stuff, thanks! :thumbup:


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 8:32 pm 
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SamShark wrote:
This is harder than I thought.

Perhaps having a single cultural reference - Gavin and Stacey - to inform my knowledge of Wales isn't great.

Watch some episodes of Stella.


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 10:27 pm 
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PFM wrote:
SamShark wrote:
This is harder than I thought.

Perhaps having a single cultural reference - Gavin and Stacey - to inform my knowledge of Wales isn't great.

Watch some episodes of Stella.


While drinking pints of it as well.


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PostPosted: Thu May 30, 2013 2:28 pm 
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Quote:
So, here we are in Hong Kong – what an amazing place.

It’s also a place that I can relate to, having once been English myself, and also kind of thinking in hindsight it was a bad move to change.

Oh well, for the likes of me, George, Dan and Alex what’s done is done. We try to be as Welsh as possible but you’re dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t, see. Unbelievable.

I’ve gone and got myself injured filming some scenes for the Tour commemorative DVD “Land of my Lions”.

They asked me to do a “ROAR” and a couple of muscles in my neck went. It’s now going to be really hard to do inspiring pre-game speeches because I can’t scowl convincingly, but I’m hoping to write my speech and let Mr O’Connell deliver it for me. Nobody can understand a word Paul’s saying but the throbbing orange veins on his forehead speak volumes. He really reminds me of some of the great international skippers and when I look at him I see echoes of Michael Owen or maybe a more honest Steve Borthwick.

The injury also screws my chances of filming more scenes for my Neckercise DVD. This is bad news as apparently we’ll be hot property after this tour and I can unfortunately see Cian’s step aerobics DVD taking a big share of the market. The fat necked cock.

It’s been hilarious watching all the banter between the lads and as is traditional, we’ve set up committees for things like social activities, announcements, in flight entertainment and all that. I’m on the humour committee and have already had the lads in stitches organising Gavin and Stacey nights and suggesting squad initiation style dares.

It was hilarious to see Manu trying to cut Adam’s hair while he was asleep, though daring Dylan to call Tom a “fudge*ing cheat” to his face didn’t go so well. Shit happens though lol.

It’s great to see so many Welsh lads in the squad for the first game and we are familiar with each other being Welsh, and we know each other’s Welsh style of play from playing in Wales together. As Warren is the Welsh coach we have a good Welsh understanding of his techniques, as we employ them when playing for Wales. This will hopefully give us a big advantage in the tests against Australia, who will not know what to expect from this team.

One squad backup player who could sneak into the test team is Tommy Bowe. Our physio Catherine Zeta says he’s in great shape and his time at Ospreys has led to a good understanding of playing in Wales with Welsh people.

On a final note, we can announce that Dilwyn from Bangor won the competition to re-name stuffed Lion toy ‘BIL’ for the duration of the tour. ‘Ted of Heaven’ is a genius suggestion Dilwyn, you and your wife win a Cryogenics session and a meal with Mike Phillips.

Warbs.



Last edited by SamShark on Tue Jun 18, 2013 9:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Thu May 30, 2013 2:31 pm 
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:thumbup:


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PostPosted: Thu May 30, 2013 2:33 pm 
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:lol:


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PostPosted: Thu May 30, 2013 2:35 pm 
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Lulz


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PostPosted: Thu May 30, 2013 2:37 pm 
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:uhoh:


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PostPosted: Thu May 30, 2013 2:39 pm 
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SamShark wrote:
Quote:
He really reminds me of some of the great international skippers and when I look at him I see echoes of Michael Owen or maybe a more honest Steve Borthwick.


Tidy. :lol: That's ace Sam.


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PostPosted: Thu May 30, 2013 2:48 pm 
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Harry08 wrote:
:uhoh:


:lol:

Thanks for taking me off ignore again.


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PostPosted: Thu May 30, 2013 2:52 pm 
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Quote:
It’s great to see so many Welsh lads in the squad for the first game and we are familiar with each other being Welsh, and we know each other’s Welsh style of play from playing in Wales together. As Warren is the Welsh coach we have a good Welsh understanding of his techniques, as we employ them when playing for Wales. This will hopefully give us a big advantage in the tests against Australia, who will not know what to expect from this team.


:lol: :lol:


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PostPosted: Thu May 30, 2013 2:53 pm 
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Quote:
The phone starts ringing anyway, and so I turned the volume down on Hollyoaks


This was very funny. Hollyoaks!!! :lol:

Only reading the 1st of Sam's diaries so still have to read the latest one.


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PostPosted: Thu May 30, 2013 3:01 pm 
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t’s also a place that I can relate to, having once been English myself, and also kind of thinking in hindsight it was a bad move to change.

Oh well, for the likes of me, George, Dan and Alex what’s done is done. We try to be as Welsh as possible but you’re dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t, see. Unbelievable


Very witty Sam. :lol:


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PostPosted: Thu May 30, 2013 3:11 pm 
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Our physio Catherine Zeta says he’s in great shape and his time at Ospreys has led to a good understanding of playing in Wales with Welsh people.


:lol: :lol:

Stolen and emailed to non imaginary internet friends.


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PostPosted: Thu May 30, 2013 3:35 pm 
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daring Dylan to call Tom a “fudge*ing cheat” to his face didn’t go so well. Shit happens though lol


:lol: :lol:


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PostPosted: Thu May 30, 2013 4:35 pm 
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SamShark wrote:
Jeff the Bear wrote:
DAC* wrote:
It's very good, however, one criticism......Sam's accent, the player that is, is probably more English than Sam's, the author.

I doubt he would have said mun, ever. Mun.


Or butty. Or finished a sentence of with 'see'. However, top quality stereotyping as usual Sam. :lol:


fudge. I tried to make it as believable as possible too :lol:

I just assumed just as he was working on the French accent he had done some work on the Welsh one


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PostPosted: Thu May 30, 2013 4:42 pm 
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Ireland's Call wrote:
Quote:
It’s great to see so many Welsh lads in the squad for the first game and we are familiar with each other being Welsh, and we know each other’s Welsh style of play from playing in Wales together. As Warren is the Welsh coach we have a good Welsh understanding of his techniques, as we employ them when playing for Wales. This will hopefully give us a big advantage in the tests against Australia, who will not know what to expect from this team.


:lol: :lol:

That's pure gold.


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