Chat Forum
It is currently Mon Oct 22, 2018 3:24 pm

All times are UTC [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 96 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 12:21 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 6099
Location: Straya cunt
I was out on the town on Saturday night a huge drag queen strutted past, wearing a tiny short skirt. I thought to myself; "Wow. That shows a lot of balls."


(With apologies to Jimmy Carr)


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 12:29 am 
Online
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 42921
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral ?

One less drunk at the funeral.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 12:44 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 13324
The Black Caps top order.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 12:45 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 22362
Location: End of the road, turn right and first house on the left
The Native wrote:
The Black Caps top order.



You bastard!!!!

<Beat me to it>


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 3:05 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 12453
What's white on top and black on the bottom?

Spoiler: show
Society


What's black on top and white on the bottom?

Spoiler: show
Rape


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 9:54 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 5781
Location: Still at the end of the world
I recently picked a new G.P. doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I've just reached 72).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'

She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh not much drink these days and I don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, surfing, hiking, or cycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

She looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the F - - - do you want to live to 90?


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 10:48 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jun 13, 2013 8:16 pm
Posts: 11081
ElementFreak wrote:
What's white on top and black on the bottom?

Spoiler: show
Society


What's black on top and white on the bottom?

Spoiler: show
Rape


Deserves a ban Shirley , much worse than me saying I don't want to live in a particular crime ridden country.

Your wish is my command have a week off JM


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 10:53 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 1804
Johnny Marrmight wrote:
ElementFreak wrote:
What's white on top and black on the bottom?

Spoiler: show
Society


What's black on top and white on the bottom?

Spoiler: show
Rape


Deserves a ban Shirley , much worse than me saying I don't want to live in a particular crime ridden country.


Deserves a ban for being unfunny too


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 11:03 am 
Offline

Joined: Thu Jun 11, 2015 5:29 pm
Posts: 1251
Why did the Lion get lost.


Because Jungle is massive


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 11:04 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 6970
Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says "can you smell fish?"


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 11:07 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 19644
Location: Yemen
Leicester Mafia wrote:
Why did the Lion get lost.


Because Jungle is massive

:lol:


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 11:14 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:53 am
Posts: 394
penguin wrote:
Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says "can you smell fish?"


Two goldfish were in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 11:34 am 
Online
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 16286
Johnny Marrmight wrote:
ElementFreak wrote:
What's white on top and black on the bottom?

Spoiler: show
Society


What's black on top and white on the bottom?

Spoiler: show
Rape


Deserves a ban Shirley , much worse than me saying I don't want to live in a particular crime ridden country.

Your wish is my command have a week off JM

:Snigger:


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 11:39 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 5528
Location: Not quite good enough
camroc1 wrote:
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral ?

One less drunk at the funeral.


So refreshing to see someone able to be completely irreverent about themselves.

I wish we Saffers could laugh at how ridiculous we've become.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 11:41 am 
Offline

Joined: Thu Jun 11, 2015 3:03 pm
Posts: 1801
I went to the Doctor and he said "what appears to be the problem?"
I said "I think I've got mice".
"Mice? Why do you think that?"

"Well I was looking at myself all over this morning with a hand held mirror after my bath.. I didn't see any mice but I think I've found the hole".


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 11:44 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 5159
Location: The Lonesome Cabal
Rinkals wrote:
Johnny Marrmight wrote:
ElementFreak wrote:
What's white on top and black on the bottom?

Spoiler: show
Society


What's black on top and white on the bottom?

Spoiler: show
Rape


Deserves a ban Shirley , much worse than me saying I don't want to live in a particular crime ridden country.

Your wish is my command have a week off JM

:Snigger:


double snigger with a snide remark.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 11:53 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 6099
Location: Straya cunt
eugenefraxby wrote:
I went to the Doctor and he said "what appears to be the problem?"
I said "I think I've got mice".
"Mice? Why do you think that?"

"Well I was looking at myself all over this morning with a hand held mirror after my bath.. I didn't see any mice but I think I've found the hole".


This is a weird joke, with a sort of weird rhythm. I like it a lot. :thumbup:


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 11:57 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Thu Aug 20, 2015 2:22 pm
Posts: 905
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?



The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones - whereas people in Abu Dhabi do!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 11:58 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 5159
Location: The Lonesome Cabal
fraz wrote:
eugenefraxby wrote:
I went to the Doctor and he said "what appears to be the problem?"
I said "I think I've got mice".
"Mice? Why do you think that?"

"Well I was looking at myself all over this morning with a hand held mirror after my bath.. I didn't see any mice but I think I've found the hole".


This is a weird joke, with a sort of weird rhythm. I like it a lot. :thumbup:


This is bland bullshit.

Would you like to be my bored enemy?

As an enemy we get to call each other the worst kind of names while of course keeping it real.

I will of course be the best of chaps if we meet at a cabal, until then its official. I hate you and you are my worst enemy. plum!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 11:59 am 
Offline

Joined: Thu Jun 11, 2015 3:03 pm
Posts: 1801
fraz wrote:
eugenefraxby wrote:
I went to the Doctor and he said "what appears to be the problem?"
I said "I think I've got mice".
"Mice? Why do you think that?"

"Well I was looking at myself all over this morning with a hand held mirror after my bath.. I didn't see any mice but I think I've found the hole".


This is a weird joke, with a sort of weird rhythm. I like it a lot. :thumbup:


This was Harry Hill's opening gag when I saw him in about 1993 in the back of a pub in Clapham....


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 12:05 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu Jun 11, 2015 3:03 pm
Posts: 1801
Man - "Doctor, I can't stop stealing things."

Doctor - "Take these tablets for two weeks.
If that doesn't work, get me a high-definition plasma telly".


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 12:08 pm 
Online
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 10789
Location: Mostly London........Mostly
A bishop walks into a Mosque and the Imman says "why the wrong faith"


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 12:24 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 40600
danny_fitz wrote:
A bishop walks into a Mosque and the Imman says "why the wrong faith"

:lol: :lol: enjoyed that.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 12:30 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 1210
Location: Embra
What's the smelliest thing in the world?

Spoiler: show
A fish's fanny


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 12:33 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 4442
Location: Adopted Lion - Jon Davies
penguin wrote:
Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says "can you smell fish?"


Two cannibals eating a clown. One says, "does this taste funny to you?"


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 12:46 pm 
Online

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 19791
why did Nivea cream ?




















Because Max factor


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 12:46 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 40600
backrow wrote:
why did Nivea cream ?




















Because Max factor



The playground is asking for its joke back :(


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 1:51 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 50935
Location: Oundle
P in VG wrote:
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?



The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones - whereas people in Abu Dhabi do!

Oh dear. That's rather terrible.

A man walks into a chemist and asks for some Vaseline.

"We don't sell Vaseline, why don't you try Boots?"

"I want to slide in, not march in."


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 2:15 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu Jun 11, 2015 3:03 pm
Posts: 1801
I went out for a curry last night and my arse is absolute agony this morning.


The meal wasn't spicy, I just didn't have enough monney for the bill so the chef bummed me.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 2:16 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 40600
eugenefraxby wrote:
I went out for a curry last night and my arse is absolute agony this morning.


The meal wasn't spicy, I just didn't have enough monney for the bill so the chef bummed me.



Have you found Bob Monkhouse's book?? :(


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 2:24 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu Jun 11, 2015 3:03 pm
Posts: 1801
It was Gary Delaney actually....


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 2:24 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 6099
Location: Straya cunt
globus wrote:
P in VG wrote:
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?



The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones - whereas people in Abu Dhabi do!

Oh dear. That's rather terrible.

A man walks into a chemist and asks for some Vaseline.

"We don't sell Vaseline, why don't you try Boots?"

"I want to slide in, not march in."


Christ Glob, you really are getting old. That's the third time I've seen you post that same joke!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 2:27 pm 
Online
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 42921
What's the difference between a dead hedgehog and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road.


There are skidmarks in front of the hedgehog.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 2:40 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 50935
Location: Oundle
fraz wrote:
globus wrote:
P in VG wrote:
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?



The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones - whereas people in Abu Dhabi do!

Oh dear. That's rather terrible.

A man walks into a chemist and asks for some Vaseline.

"We don't sell Vaseline, why don't you try Boots?"

"I want to slide in, not march in."


Christ Glob, you really are getting old. That's the third time I've seen you post that same joke!

Reckon so. But there are a few new posters on here.

So. What's your best shot?


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 4:04 pm 
Online
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 10789
Location: Mostly London........Mostly
I bought my brother an elephant for his room.

He said "Thank you"

I said "Don't mention it"


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 4:07 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 18, 2013 10:14 am
Posts: 18426
Leicester Mafia wrote:
Why did the Lion get lost.


Because Jungle is massive

:lol:


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 4:12 pm 
Online
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 3159
Location: Cuntsville. Population: 1
danny_fitz wrote:
I bought my brother an elephant for his room.

He said "Thank you"

I said "Don't mention it"


That's genius.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 4:47 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 40600
Diego wrote:
Leicester Mafia wrote:
Why did the Lion get lost.


Because Jungle is massive

:lol:


Is there a layer to this joke I am not getting ?? or is it just obvious and shit.


DF

:lol: :lol: very good


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 4:51 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 18, 2013 10:14 am
Posts: 18426
Openside wrote:
Diego wrote:
Leicester Mafia wrote:
Why did the Lion get lost.


Because Jungle is massive

:lol:


Is there a layer to this joke I am not getting ?? or is it just obvious and shit.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7TklQTeuSE


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 4:57 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:05 am
Posts: 4442
Location: Adopted Lion - Jon Davies
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?

Spoiler: show
Hard to narrow down, but the flag is a big plus.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 96 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

All times are UTC [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: backrow, Boobs not Moobs, camroc1, Clive Simms, danny_fitz, DonBillydeParis, etherman, Flametop, Google Adsense [Bot], hermie, koroke hangareka, La soule, Leinsterman, Mustapha, NickC, normilet, OB.., Plato'sCave, Podge, PornDog, Rinkals, shereblue, Short Man Syndrome, tabascoboy, Ulsters Red Hand, youngsidd, ZuLu and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group