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 Post subject: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 3:54 pm 
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I have a very good mate who I am really worried about. He has been in our very close group for 30 odd years.

He has a stressful job and has been on the coke pretty seriously for at least 10 years, maybe longer. I've noticed over the last few months his behaviour getting odder and more erratic but it really came to head last weekend when we were all away together. In the build up he was getting confused about plans and doing stuff like emailing his flight details randomly to people in the group. During the weekend it was just bizarre, disappearing, picking fights, talking nonsense etc.

The problem is that quite a few in the group just dismiss it and don't want to confront the problem - mainly, I think, because a few of them also have a habit and he can supply. I have tried before to discuss his drug problem with the wider group and try and implement a ban when we were all out, but got shouted down. One guy has confronted him about it a while back but he just lied and went back to it.

I think he has a fairly serious mental issue, something around a breakdown or maybe even early onset dementia. I don't see the point in trying to talk to him about it as he will ignore the calls or deny everything, as always. I'd really like to speak to his wife confidentially and see if she has noticed anything - the danger being that if he finds out he will kick off and I suspect I will be ostracised from the group. I'm really concerned though.

Any thoughts?


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 4:03 pm 
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stop being friends with Globus


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 4:13 pm 
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serious answer

he is obviously a good pal of yours, so you are unwilling to walk away and cut him out of your life (which would be the easiest option for you).
this speaks volumes about your character, and having met you Schofield, you get a :thumbup: for this.

How to tackle drug problems in mates is hard, especially as others in the group seem to do Coke as well and I think you mentioned before you did as well ? I wouldn't go clandestine to his wife though, she knows because women always know (maybe she does coke too). the only thing I can advise is you try and take him off alone on a Fishing trip or something benign, and have a proper man to man chat with him. If that still doesn't work, then perhaps just consider your own life and wellbeing, and whether him and the group still have a place in your life.

fwiw I was in a pretty similar position to you, eventually got tired of trying to help and all the badgering for money, and kicked this pal into touch - my life is immeasurably better now for it.

good luck anyways, Chalky-Manbag :nod:


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 4:18 pm 
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backrow wrote:
stop being friends with all of them


Fixed. Especially based on your own desire to clean up.


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 4:20 pm 
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Advise him to leave the government.


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 4:20 pm 
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People need to choose to change, not be told. But they sometimes need help seeing it, they need a mirror. It’s not cheeky crazy fun, it’s a harmful chemical which they have convinced themselves is ok.

Then again, I’m certainly no expert, just an observer.

Certainly seeing someone further in decline of substance abuse and how it’s physically affecting them is the strongest way to change ones decline in that direction.


Last edited by Yourmother on Wed Feb 06, 2019 4:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 4:21 pm 
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Sandstorm wrote:
backrow wrote:
stop being friends with all of them


Fixed. Especially based on your own desire to clean up.


Just to be clear, I haven't done that in a long time and went the weekend without a drink :thumbup:


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 4:23 pm 
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Yourmother wrote:
People need to choose to change, not be told. But they sometimes need help seeing it, they need a mirror. It’s not cheeky crazy fun, it’s a harmful chemical which they have convinced themselves is ok.

Then again, I’m certainly no expert, just an observer.


The thing is, I'm pretty sure it has developed into a proper mental health problem, so I don't think any convincing can be done. To me it's now more of a case of get him to a doctors for diagnosis to try and slow the problem.


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 4:23 pm 
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slick wrote:
Sandstorm wrote:
backrow wrote:
stop being friends with all of them


Fixed. Especially based on your own desire to clean up.


Just to be clear, I haven't done that in a long time and went the weekend without a drink :thumbup:


Good man, however that group sounds toxic and clearly isn't ready to hear your advice or want your help.

It is possible coke has literally fried your mate's brain, but it seems like no-one else cares. Maybe you shouldn't either....


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 4:25 pm 
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Sandstorm wrote:
slick wrote:
Sandstorm wrote:
backrow wrote:
stop being friends with all of them


Fixed. Especially based on your own desire to clean up.


Just to be clear, I haven't done that in a long time and went the weekend without a drink :thumbup:


Good man, however that group sounds toxic and clearly isn't ready to hear your advice or want your help.

It is possible coke has literally fried your mate's brain, but it seems like no-one else cares. Maybe you shouldn't either....


Yeah, all of that is the flip side to what I'm thinking. Am I the good mate trying to solve the problem or am I trying to be the smartarse that diagnoses it first and gets the credit.


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 4:39 pm 
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How heavy a user is he? Daily/weekly more than a gram a time?

I know a heavy user for 20+ years, on it nearly daily and is starting to show some similar symptoms. Our group, who at the worst are very light, casual users don't do it when she's with us nowadays but she always comes loaded. We've tried to talk to her, but that just means she hangs out with others more, so good luck talking to him.

What was your question?

Oh, BA LHR 43785


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 4:43 pm 
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happyhooker wrote:
How heavy a user is he? Daily/weekly more than a gram a time?

I know a heavy user for 20+ years, on it nearly daily and is starting to show some similar symptoms. Our group, who at the worst are very light, casual users don't do it when she's with us nowadays but she always comes loaded. We've tried to talk to her, but that just means she hangs out with others more, so good luck talking to him.

What was your question?

Oh, BA LHR 43785


textbook forumming tbf, took me a couple of seconds :thumbup:


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 4:55 pm 
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happyhooker wrote:
How heavy a user is he? Daily/weekly more than a gram a time?

I know a heavy user for 20+ years, on it nearly daily and is starting to show some similar symptoms. Our group, who at the worst are very light, casual users don't do it when she's with us nowadays but she always comes loaded. We've tried to talk to her, but that just means she hangs out with others more, so good luck talking to him.

What was your question?

Oh, BA LHR 43785


I'd say nearly daily, with a big uplift from Thursday. I tried to get the group to not do it, and ban him from it, for 1 f**king weekend last year (an annual group weekend with WAGS etc) and got shouted down because they "wanted to let off steam" that weekend. They quite happily use him to supply knowing he has a serious issue.

I think Sandstorm might be on to something here.

and :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 5:18 pm 
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slick wrote:
happyhooker wrote:
How heavy a user is he? Daily/weekly more than a gram a time?

I know a heavy user for 20+ years, on it nearly daily and is starting to show some similar symptoms. Our group, who at the worst are very light, casual users don't do it when she's with us nowadays but she always comes loaded. We've tried to talk to her, but that just means she hangs out with others more, so good luck talking to him.

What was your question?

Oh, BA LHR 43785


I'd say nearly daily, with a big uplift from Thursday. I tried to get the group to not do it, and ban him from it, for 1 f**king weekend last year (an annual group weekend with WAGS etc) and got shouted down because they "wanted to let off steam" that weekend. They quite happily use him to supply knowing he has a serious issue.

I think Sandstorm might be on to something here.

and :lol:

I'm afraid he might. Wouldn't do anything dramatic, like a globus flounce, but just spend less time with him. That's pretty heavy usage.
Best of luck.


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 5:50 pm 
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slick wrote:
I have a very good mate who I am really worried about. He has been in our very close group for 30 odd years.

He has a stressful job and has been on the coke pretty seriously for at least 10 years, maybe longer. I've noticed over the last few months his behaviour getting odder and more erratic but it really came to head last weekend when we were all away together. In the build up he was getting confused about plans and doing stuff like emailing his flight details randomly to people in the group. During the weekend it was just bizarre, disappearing, picking fights, talking nonsense etc.

The problem is that quite a few in the group just dismiss it and don't want to confront the problem - mainly, I think, because a few of them also have a habit and he can supply. I have tried before to discuss his drug problem with the wider group and try and implement a ban when we were all out, but got shouted down. One guy has confronted him about it a while back but he just lied and went back to it.

I think he has a fairly serious mental issue, something around a breakdown or maybe even early onset dementia. I don't see the point in trying to talk to him about it as he will ignore the calls or deny everything, as always. I'd really like to speak to his wife confidentially and see if she has noticed anything - the danger being that if he finds out he will kick off and I suspect I will be ostracised from the group. I'm really concerned though.

Any thoughts?


Best advice I can give is that you need to do what you think is right for you and him. If your other friends are not supportive for their own selfish wants then that is on them and is the group genuinely as close as you think if one guy is in danger and the others aren't willing to help?

Being ostracised from a group of friends is not a good thing but neither is watching friends cause themselves major damage and not trying to help like some of these chaps sound like they are.


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 6:34 pm 
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There are studies that show that cocaine causes the brain to age at a faster rate than normal, so there is an increased risk of dementia from long-term cocaine use. Long-term memory problems can also turn into conditions mimicking Alzheimer’s, and people who have a higher risk of developing dementia anyway are more likely to trigger this condition earlier in life if they abuse cocaine for a long time.


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 7:30 pm 
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blindcider wrote:
slick wrote:
I have a very good mate who I am really worried about. He has been in our very close group for 30 odd years.

He has a stressful job and has been on the coke pretty seriously for at least 10 years, maybe longer. I've noticed over the last few months his behaviour getting odder and more erratic but it really came to head last weekend when we were all away together. In the build up he was getting confused about plans and doing stuff like emailing his flight details randomly to people in the group. During the weekend it was just bizarre, disappearing, picking fights, talking nonsense etc.

The problem is that quite a few in the group just dismiss it and don't want to confront the problem - mainly, I think, because a few of them also have a habit and he can supply. I have tried before to discuss his drug problem with the wider group and try and implement a ban when we were all out, but got shouted down. One guy has confronted him about it a while back but he just lied and went back to it.

I think he has a fairly serious mental issue, something around a breakdown or maybe even early onset dementia. I don't see the point in trying to talk to him about it as he will ignore the calls or deny everything, as always. I'd really like to speak to his wife confidentially and see if she has noticed anything - the danger being that if he finds out he will kick off and I suspect I will be ostracised from the group. I'm really concerned though.

Any thoughts?


Best advice I can give is that you need to do what you think is right for you and him. If your other friends are not supportive for their own selfish wants then that is on them and is the group genuinely as close as you think if one guy is in danger and the others aren't willing to help?

Being ostracised from a group of friends is not a good thing but neither is watching friends cause themselves major damage and not trying to help like some of these chaps sound like they are.


Thanks, very good post


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 7:41 pm 
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slick wrote:
Sandstorm wrote:
slick wrote:
Sandstorm wrote:
backrow wrote:
stop being friends with all of them


Fixed. Especially based on your own desire to clean up.


Just to be clear, I haven't done that in a long time and went the weekend without a drink :thumbup:


Good man, however that group sounds toxic and clearly isn't ready to hear your advice or want your help.

It is possible coke has literally fried your mate's brain, but it seems like no-one else cares. Maybe you shouldn't either....


Yeah, all of that is the flip side to what I'm thinking. Am I the good mate trying to solve the problem or am I trying to be the smartarse that diagnoses it first and gets the credit.


Even if you weren't a heavy user a line is enough to get you on their level and not notice their odd behaviour. I don't do drugs and most of my friends are coke heads, when they're wired they're weird as fuck- in my experience a heart scare or heart attack will slow them down. Not much else.

Oh and it really fucks me off when we meet up for a bite to eat or quiet drink and everybody is chewing their eyebrows like we're at a rave.


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 9:16 pm 
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Well fudge me if a mate didn’t die Saturday night aged 46 from partying too hard.


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 10:05 pm 
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crash 669 wrote:
Advise him to leave the government.

:lol: :blush:


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 10:19 pm 
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DragsterDriver wrote:
Well fudge me if a mate didn’t die Saturday night aged 46 from partying too hard.

Unlucky mate :(


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 10:20 pm 
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DragsterDriver wrote:
Well fudge me if a mate didn’t die Saturday night aged 46 from partying too hard.

Sorry to hear that, DD.


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 10:21 pm 
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DragsterDriver wrote:
Well fudge me if a mate didn’t die Saturday night aged 46 from partying too hard.

He’s probably like a old badger. Can’t kill the fūcker.


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 10:25 pm 
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DragsterDriver wrote:
Well fudge me if a mate didn’t die Saturday night aged 46 from partying too hard.

Condolences DD


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 10:27 pm 
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YOYO wrote:
DragsterDriver wrote:
Well fudge me if a mate didn’t die Saturday night aged 46 from partying too hard.

He’s probably like a old badger. Can’t kill the fūcker.

Erm...

sorry to hear that DD. Some of us think we’re indestructible, sadly. Condolences.


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 10:38 pm 
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DragsterDriver wrote:
Well fudge me if a mate didn’t die Saturday night aged 46 from partying too hard.

Keep strong fella :thumbup:


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 10:38 pm 
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guy smiley wrote:
YOYO wrote:
DragsterDriver wrote:
Well fudge me if a mate didn’t die Saturday night aged 46 from partying too hard.

He’s probably like a old badger. Can’t kill the fūcker.

Erm...

sorry to hear that DD. Some of us think we’re indestructible, sadly. Condolences.

You've at least made it into your 7 th decade


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2019 11:28 am 
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DragsterDriver wrote:
Well fudge me if a mate didn’t die Saturday night aged 46 from partying too hard.


Christ, sorry to hear that. Heart attack?


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2019 11:58 am 
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In an ideal world it would be great if he could see for himself, but he can't, in which case maybe you cutting him out of your life might make him come to you to ask why - then you tell him.


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2019 12:03 pm 
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It's a helluva drug...

I think contacting someone's wife would be a step too far for me, there are no guarantees that it would help but it's near certain that it would lead to major recriminations from this guy and others. If you can live with the latter in the hope that it does help, then you're a better man than me.

From your OP there are others in the group who do see a problem even if the majority don't, so is it worth just contacting these people to try and co-ordinate an 'intervention' of sorts? I think from your point of view, before you give it up as a lost cause you need to try talking to the guy even if you suspect it won't work, so some support might help.

I'm always amazed when I encounter heavy coke users, it just seems so self-evidently a bad idea to me but I suppose that's the nature of addiction.


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2019 12:20 pm 
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Womack wrote:
It's a helluva drug...

I think contacting someone's wife would be a step too far for me, there are no guarantees that it would help but it's near certain that it would lead to major recriminations from this guy and others. If you can live with the latter in the hope that it does help, then you're a better man than me.

From your OP there are others in the group who do see a problem even if the majority don't, so is it worth just contacting these people to try and co-ordinate an 'intervention' of sorts? I think from your point of view, before you give it up as a lost cause you need to try talking to the guy even if you suspect it won't work, so some support might help.

I'm always amazed when I encounter heavy coke users, it just seems so self-evidently a bad idea to me but I suppose that's the nature of addiction.


I spoke with the wife. I came at it from the angle of dementia and the reason for my concern being the history of it in my family and the tell tale signs I thought I had seen. I didn't mention the drugs, she did, although I don't think she knows the extent of it. She said the wives had been together the weekend we were away and all were really worried that it had got out of control amongst the group. I didn't get in to his drug use at all, I'm hoping that will come from her.

She was very grateful for the call and is going to keep an eye on him and report back in strictest confidence.


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2019 12:25 pm 
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slick wrote:
Womack wrote:
It's a helluva drug...

I think contacting someone's wife would be a step too far for me, there are no guarantees that it would help but it's near certain that it would lead to major recriminations from this guy and others. If you can live with the latter in the hope that it does help, then you're a better man than me.

From your OP there are others in the group who do see a problem even if the majority don't, so is it worth just contacting these people to try and co-ordinate an 'intervention' of sorts? I think from your point of view, before you give it up as a lost cause you need to try talking to the guy even if you suspeit won't work, so some support might help.

I'm always amazed when I encounter heavy coke users, it just seems so self-evidently a bad idea to me but I suppose that's the nature of addiction.


I spoke with the wife. I came at it from the angle of dementia and the reason for my concern being the history of it in my family and the tell tale signs I thought I had seen. I didn't mention the drugs, she did, although I don't think she knows the extent of it. She said the wives had been together the weekend we were away and all were really worried that it had got out of control amongst the group. I didn't get in to his drug use at all, I'm hoping that will come from her.

She was very grateful for the call and is going to keep an eye on him and report back in strictest confidence.


Well done. That was the right thing to do as a friend, IMO.

Unfortunately, it's still quite likely at some point (probably during an argument about this) that she'll wheel out the, "your friends are worried about you and they've spoken to me about it" line... so be prepared for some shit from your pal on that.


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2019 12:28 pm 
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Sounds like you've sent the signal to the right person, and shown you're concerned and looking help. Just got to let her take the lead on it now.

Well done, tough thing to do.

(All that said, rule 1 on the wife.)


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2019 12:34 pm 
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slick wrote:
Womack wrote:
It's a helluva drug...

I think contacting someone's wife would be a step too far for me, there are no guarantees that it would help but it's near certain that it would lead to major recriminations from this guy and others. If you can live with the latter in the hope that it does help, then you're a better man than me.

From your OP there are others in the group who do see a problem even if the majority don't, so is it worth just contacting these people to try and co-ordinate an 'intervention' of sorts? I think from your point of view, before you give it up as a lost cause you need to try talking to the guy even if you suspect it won't work, so some support might help.

I'm always amazed when I encounter heavy coke users, it just seems so self-evidently a bad idea to me but I suppose that's the nature of addiction.


I spoke with the wife. I came at it from the angle of dementia and the reason for my concern being the history of it in my family and the tell tale signs I thought I had seen. I didn't mention the drugs, she did, although I don't think she knows the extent of it. She said the wives had been together the weekend we were away and all were really worried that it had got out of control amongst the group. I didn't get in to his drug use at all, I'm hoping that will come from her.

She was very grateful for the call and is going to keep an eye on him and report back in strictest confidence.


Good man Slick. Maybe he’ll get to know but maybe he’ll see it for what I think it was - a proper mate doing the right thing, not the easy one.


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2019 12:38 pm 
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Well done, shows what I know! If it's as bad as it sounds there's a high chance of a lot of shit and pain to come (much of which to be borne by the wife, sadly) but for now you've done a good thing for sure.


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2019 12:44 pm 
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pjm1 wrote:
slick wrote:
Womack wrote:
It's a helluva drug...

I think contacting someone's wife would be a step too far for me, there are no guarantees that it would help but it's near certain that it would lead to major recriminations from this guy and others. If you can live with the latter in the hope that it does help, then you're a better man than me.

From your OP there are others in the group who do see a problem even if the majority don't, so is it worth just contacting these people to try and co-ordinate an 'intervention' of sorts? I think from your point of view, before you give it up as a lost cause you need to try talking to the guy even if you suspeit won't work, so some support might help.

I'm always amazed when I encounter heavy coke users, it just seems so self-evidently a bad idea to me but I suppose that's the nature of addiction.


I spoke with the wife. I came at it from the angle of dementia and the reason for my concern being the history of it in my family and the tell tale signs I thought I had seen. I didn't mention the drugs, she did, although I don't think she knows the extent of it. She said the wives had been together the weekend we were away and all were really worried that it had got out of control amongst the group. I didn't get in to his drug use at all, I'm hoping that will come from her.

She was very grateful for the call and is going to keep an eye on him and report back in strictest confidence.


Well done. That was the right thing to do as a friend, IMO.

Unfortunately, it's still quite likely at some point (probably during an argument about this) that she'll wheel out the, "your friends are worried about you and they've spoken to me about it" line... so be prepared for some shit from your pal on that.


Yup, think that's inevitable unfortunately. Spent 3 days and nights thinking about it and just decided I had to do it. Even if there is a blow up, the hope is that with time it will be seen for what it is.

Thanks all.


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2019 12:52 pm 
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Good luck Slick. Nice to know you are a chap that cares.


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2019 5:14 pm 
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Well done for caring but : -

You can't lose your own shape, trying to help him to find his.
Probably needs professional help beyond your scope to give.

Thanks for the help on my Highlands trip..


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2019 5:44 pm 
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Bored Fail 101, so I'll ask: :roll:

Since he's probably going down the road of denetia and won't remember anything, is the wife hot?


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 Post subject: Re: Bored Advice Needed
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2019 6:05 pm 
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Sandstorm wrote:
Bored Fail 101, so I'll ask: :roll:

Since he's probably going down the road of denetia and won't remember anything, is the wife hot?


Well, I ignored the rule 1 request...


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