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 Post subject: Fostering Advice please
PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2020 5:12 pm 
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Afternoon all, how times change. From full-time employment in a variety of sectors and roles Covid 19 has ground everything to a halt a couple of months ago.

Mrs frodder and I have been discussing potentially fostering ever since a family member was nearly adopted by us (very long story). Last week we agreed to go for it and we are moving very quickly through the checking process.

Have any of the PR population been part of this? Any advice please? Anything to look out for? (good and not so good)


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2020 6:07 pm 
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Frodder wrote:
Afternoon all, how times change. From full-time employment in a variety of sectors and roles Covid 19 has ground everything to a halt a couple of months ago.

Mrs frodder and I have been discussing potentially fostering ever since a family member was nearly adopted by us (very long story). Last week we agreed to go for it and we are moving very quickly through the checking process.

Have any of the PR population been part of this? Any advice please? Anything to look out for? (good and not so good)


Sorry, absolutely no advice or experience, but well done, it takes a special kind of person to do this, a good plum as we say here 👍


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2020 6:16 pm 
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no experience here, but good on you for considering this
mumsnet has a good fostering section, including potential pitfalls, bad experiences etc.
https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/fostering


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2020 6:20 pm 
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Trogs is fostering a young lad. It’s hard, but is going well.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2020 6:34 pm 
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Sandstorm wrote:
Trogs is fostering a young lad. It’s hard, but is going well.




And worth every second. Go for it Frods.

For my wife and I, who can't (or couldn't -we're too old now) conceive, it's the miracle solution.


Only thing to watch out for, is the biological parents who might just be in a tight spot right now, but could claim the child back after a while, after you've started to love him/her so much that he feels like your own child..

Fortunately it's not something I have to worry about.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2020 6:56 pm 
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It can be extremely tough. Nearly always the kids are in care due to various types of abuse and neglect. At that they are usually fostered within the family. The sense of loss coupled with the psychological damage can make for a rough ride. As noted the parents tend to be a nightmare either drifting in and out or regularly turning up to undo the good work you are doing. It's not easy and lots of people will tell you the outcomes will be reward enough but no harm in hearing an alternative that that's not always the case


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2020 7:09 pm 
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I can’t imagine anyone better. (Seriously).


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2020 7:10 pm 
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Akkerman wrote:
no experience here, but good on you for considering this
mumsnet has a good fostering section, including potential pitfalls, bad experiences etc.
https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/fostering


First ever positive post ever made in regards to Mumsnet on PR.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2020 7:19 pm 
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Avoid kids from druggy parents if evidence of addiction at birth. It's just not worth it.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2020 7:21 pm 
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bimboman wrote:
I can’t imagine anyone better. (Seriously).


Yeah if anybody would be able for it Frodder appears on here to be very nice


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2020 7:23 pm 
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Try a cat first.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2020 7:38 pm 
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House across the road fosters. She's had kids that:

One of the grandparents was smacking too hard and they wouldn't own up. Parents were not the best either, no jobs for ages, kids not a priority etc.

Kids that were literally feral.

Neglect is common.

Rarely kids that are pretty much fine.

They do take breaks between kids. He works, she's full time at home. They're very good, take them out to places, try and improve literacy etc. They've been doing it for quite a while. Sadly the kids that are fine are few and far between so I'd just ease yourself into it, don't take on too much, there's some seriously neglected, traumatised children out there. Kudos for doing it.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2020 7:52 pm 
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I admire people who foster or adopt, i know it's not something I could ever do, not fair on the children if you can’t love them as much as your own genetic offspring. I’m just very grateful my nutsack had a high enough level of midiclorians.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2020 9:09 pm 
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Backrow when you say "its not fair if you cant love them as much as your own genetic offspring" what do you mean by that?

My parents adopted my sister from Sri Lanka a year before I was born (we are Irish) and I can tell you after 26 years that they love her as much as myself.

And I see her as much as my sister as any of my mates who have sisters.

It's sometimes difficult to try to get across to other people just how normal it is when you have grown up like this, and that's with a sister who has a different color skin to me.

Literally all I see is my sister, and all my parents see when they see her is their daughter. No different to when they look at me.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2020 9:18 pm 
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KHollywood10 wrote:
Backrow when you say "its not fair if you cant love them as much as your own genetic offspring" what do you mean by that?

My parents adopted my sister from Sri Lanka a year before I was born (we are Irish) and I can tell you after 26 years that they love her as much as myself.

And I see her as much as my sister as any of my mates who have sisters.

It's sometimes difficult to try to get across to other people just how normal it is when you have grown up like this, and that's with a sister who has a different color skin to me.

Literally all I see is my sister, and all my parents see when they see her is their daughter. No different to when they look at me.

Good post, I can understand where backrow is coming from but his experience is limited on this issue. I've known a lot of adopted kids/parents of, and there's certainly alot of love there.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2020 9:26 pm 
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Frodder wrote:
Afternoon all, how times change. From full-time employment in a variety of sectors and roles Covid 19 has ground everything to a halt a couple of months ago.

Mrs frodder and I have been discussing potentially fostering ever since a family member was nearly adopted by us (very long story). Last week we agreed to go for it and we are moøving very quickly through the checking process.

Have any of the PR population been part of this? Any advice please? Anything to look out for? (good and not so good)



Well done you. From what I’ve seen you’d be excellent :thumbup:


Last edited by HKCJ on Sun Jun 21, 2020 9:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2020 9:33 pm 
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Last Line wrote:
Avoid kids from druggy parents if evidence of addiction at birth. It's just not worth it.


Sadly they need it the most. My sister's old boss fostered a boy with fetal alcohol syndrome. Quit his job to look after him, very difficult boy, fostered for years aiming to adopt. But Social Services were plum to him. If the boy woke with a nightmare and he'd hug him to sleep but SS just then grill him about it and ask if it was necessary, grill him about stuff he brought the boy. It was like every nice thing was treated with suspicion. We suspected a few at SS disliked the fact he was gay and had assumed a bit of a gay dad of boy=potential peado vibe.

Tragically the boy discovered that he cold manipulate social services. Somehow he got into his mind that SS would threaten his foster dad if he invented stories, so he started threatened his foster dad whenever he got a "no" or was putting boundaries on him. It wasn't just his foster dad but his respite worker and his teacher at school. The allegations were flowing. He was talked away fro 2 days then returned, then a year of more false allegations he was taken away. Eventually the boy was removed (like after 3 or 4 years). To be fair the foster dad wasn't "playing the game" with SS as I heard. As a Foster parent he was supposed to have been given loads more support, especially for a difficult child, and it never really came. SS kept wanting to dust their hands of the boy.

Months later SS contacted my sister sold boss to asks if he would help with the boy with some visits because it seems removing a screwed up kid from a loving home who already throws chairs around school and bites and hits other kids, is a recipe for disaster. Funny enough my sister mentioned that the kid returned to live with his old foster dad at 16 when he could choose for himself.

I'm also told by my sister that another one of her friends have two girls in foster for a long time. But she won't adopt because you apparently get way more support and financial support if you foster a kid. If you go into it, make sure you are getting all the various kinds of support you are entitled to.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2020 9:49 pm 
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KHollywood10 wrote:
Backrow when you say "its not fair if you cant love them as much as your own genetic offspring" what do you mean by that?

My parents adopted my sister from Sri Lanka a year before I was born (we are Irish) and I can tell you after 26 years that they love her as much as myself.

And I see her as much as my sister as any of my mates who have sisters.

It's sometimes difficult to try to get across to other people just how normal it is when you have grown up like this, and that's with a sister who has a different color skin to me.

Literally all I see is my sister, and all my parents see when they see her is their daughter. No different to when they look at me.


I meant I could never love a child who wasn’t my biological offspring, as much as my own - hence why I never chose to adopt or foster any child: because i don’t think it would be fair on them.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2020 9:58 pm 
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Fair play to you, something we considered years ago but never followed up on, brave to really consider it and I hope you do it, no advice to offer at all, just hope it works out for all involved


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2020 9:59 pm 
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backrow wrote:
KHollywood10 wrote:
Backrow when you say "its not fair if you cant love them as much as your own genetic offspring" what do you mean by that?

My parents adopted my sister from Sri Lanka a year before I was born (we are Irish) and I can tell you after 26 years that they love her as much as myself.

And I see her as much as my sister as any of my mates who have sisters.

It's sometimes difficult to try to get across to other people just how normal it is when you have grown up like this, and that's with a sister who has a different color skin to me.

Literally all I see is my sister, and all my parents see when they see her is their daughter. No different to when they look at me.


I meant I could never love a child who wasn’t my biological offspring, as much as my own - hence why I never chose to adopt or foster any child: because i don’t think it would be fair on them.


Do you have a pet?


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2020 10:59 pm 
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Never fostered but work with lots of foster parents and support agencies in my line of work. Well done if you can do this - you'd be doing God's work. Many of the foster kids at my school are extremely difficult to manage due to long-term abuse, neglect and trauma.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 21, 2020 11:16 pm 
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Ali's Choice wrote:
Never fostered but work with lots of foster parents and support agencies in my line of work. Well done if you can do this - you'd be doing God's work. Many of the foster kids at my school are extremely difficult to manage due to long-term abuse, neglect and trauma.

Grew up playing League.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2020 12:06 am 
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Sandstorm wrote:
Ali's Choice wrote:
Never fostered but work with lots of foster parents and support agencies in my line of work. Well done if you can do this - you'd be doing God's work. Many of the foster kids at my school are extremely difficult to manage due to long-term abuse, neglect and trauma.

Grew up playing League.


?


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2020 12:20 am 
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If it’s hatred, animosity or resentment, I can offer plenty of practical fostering advice.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2020 12:21 am 
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Quote:
Fostering Advice Please


There isn't much supply in New Zealand, given their new laws.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2020 10:25 am 
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EverReady wrote:
bimboman wrote:
I can’t imagine anyone better. (Seriously).


Yeah if anybody would be able for it Frodder appears on here to be very nice


I'm sat here blushing :blush:


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2020 10:29 am 
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Well in typical PR manner the responses have varied and thanks for all.

@moobs, Trog and others thanks for the heads up

Mumsnet links given out and not in a piss take manner

References to NZ and Rugby League

:thumbup:


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2020 10:39 am 
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Frodder wrote:
Well in typical PR manner the responses have varied and thanks for all.

@moobs, Trog and others thanks for the heads up

Mumsnet links given out and not in a piss take manner

References to NZ and Rugby League

:thumbup:


Don't think you've been called a plum yet.

May I?


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2020 11:03 am 
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Frodder wrote:
Well in typical PR manner the responses have varied and thanks for all.

@moobs, Trog and others thanks for the heads up

Mumsnet links given out and not in a piss take manner

References to NZ and Rugby League

:thumbup:


If you though with it I genuinely wish you the best of luck.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2020 11:13 am 
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slick wrote:
Frodder wrote:
Well in typical PR manner the responses have varied and thanks for all.

@moobs, Trog and others thanks for the heads up

Mumsnet links given out and not in a piss take manner

References to NZ and Rugby League

:thumbup:


Don't think you've been called a plum yet.

May I?


My pleasure Slick


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2020 11:13 am 
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eldanielfire wrote:
Frodder wrote:
Well in typical PR manner the responses have varied and thanks for all.

@moobs, Trog and others thanks for the heads up

Mumsnet links given out and not in a piss take manner

References to NZ and Rugby League

:thumbup:


If you though with it I genuinely wish you the best of luck.


Cheers mate


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2020 11:17 am 
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Mr. Very Popular wrote:
backrow wrote:
KHollywood10 wrote:
Backrow when you say "its not fair if you cant love them as much as your own genetic offspring" what do you mean by that?

My parents adopted my sister from Sri Lanka a year before I was born (we are Irish) and I can tell you after 26 years that they love her as much as myself.

And I see her as much as my sister as any of my mates who have sisters.

It's sometimes difficult to try to get across to other people just how normal it is when you have grown up like this, and that's with a sister who has a different color skin to me.

Literally all I see is my sister, and all my parents see when they see her is their daughter. No different to when they look at me.


I meant I could never love a child who wasn’t my biological offspring, as much as my own - hence why I never chose to adopt or foster any child: because i don’t think it would be fair on them.


Do you have a pet?


Do you have a computer ?


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2020 12:07 pm 
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troglodiet wrote:
Sandstorm wrote:
Trogs is fostering a young lad. It’s hard, but is going well.




And worth every second. Go for it Frods.

For my wife and I, who can't (or couldn't -we're too old now) conceive, it's the miracle solution.


Only thing to watch out for, is the biological parents who might just be in a tight spot right now, but could claim the child back after a while, after you've started to love him/her so much that he feels like your own child..

Fortunately it's not something I have to worry about.

Indeed. Your parents have had all the time in the world to claim you back. If they start enquiring after you now, bugger ‘em.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2020 2:44 pm 
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Good on you and the missus. Kids need a chance. Chances. And, you will soon grow to love them. Like your own, if you are human.

That is what we do. Good luck to you all.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2020 2:59 pm 
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bimboman wrote:
I can’t imagine anyone better. (Seriously).


I have a faint recollection that he may be a Cardiff Blues supporter. No kid deserves that.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2020 5:23 pm 
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henry wrote:
bimboman wrote:
I can’t imagine anyone better. (Seriously).


I have a faint recollection that he may be a Cardiff Blues supporter. No kid deserves that.


Guilty as charged


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2020 5:34 pm 
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Frodder wrote:
Afternoon all, how times change. From full-time employment in a variety of sectors and roles Covid 19 has ground everything to a halt a couple of months ago.

Mrs frodder and I have been discussing potentially fostering ever since a family member was nearly adopted by us (very long story). Last week we agreed to go for it and we are moving very quickly through the checking process.

Have any of the PR population been part of this? Any advice please? Anything to look out for? (good and not so good)

My two pennies if of any good.

My wife (married so far 30 years) is adopted, we considered adoption but life gave us natural children (so far the idea has not been eliminated) but also we have been a transit home for more than a decade to many children (from babies to 15 yearls old kids we still have connection with).

If you decide to do it, love is all you will receive, be transparent with the kids, origins etc, you'll be always his real dad, their example an figure to follow.

My wife (being adopted in a different era) was told when around 12 about her adoption and didn't take it well at the time.

Her parents of adoption are her only parents if you understand the meaning.

The secret is give love like there's never a tomorrow.

Good luck with that, don't hesitate for a second.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2020 5:48 pm 
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We've just been approved to adopt, and the first step is to foster until an adoption order is granted. Main difference is that fostered kids remain under responsibility of the local council whereas adoption is permanent, and you can also get some financial support for fostering (may be useful if your working life is impacted or the kids need extra levels of support). We're currently being matched with kids who need a home, and I'm looking to move into a house as tenement life isn't quite what I'd hoped and I'd prefer a more stable - and clean - environment for the little'uns. Covid is not helping in either regard.

The birth parents will generally have no contact rights as the kids should by that point be wards of the state, although in some circumstances the legal process hasn't fully run its course and it needs to be tied off. Generally the social workers will have done their damnedest to either help the birth parents or to place the kids with family (kinship carers) so if they are being placed then it's usually as other options have run dry. There may be some agreement around letterbox mail contact, but it is generally frowned on to keep in direct contact with birth parents as it is very traumatic and confusing for the kids. Ultimately, they're usually being placed for a reason so you'd also probably not want to maintain links beyond helping the kid retain a sense of identity - especially as we're both Englsih/Irish dual and we'd like the kids to retain some sense of Scottish identity.

We're looking for younger kids as - sad as it is to say - they have a lot less baggage. We get some detail on the kids and - if birth parents play ball - a broader family health history, but any abuse of alcohol in particular can lead to problems down the road (FASD - Feotal Alcohol Syndrome/Spectrum Disorder) is a real worry, and kids up for fostering/adoption are at real risk as the parents are in general not the most responsible or capable, and substance abuse plays a role. Narcotic dependency is apparently rarer and is more readily picked up by medical check, FASD isn't so obvious. Of course, you might want to to help kids that have these disorders, but w'ere along way from family so we were loath to take on any kids who would be highly likely to have complex needs. When you get to the point of being matched there's a questionnaire where you can essentially filter things out (e.g. a history of epilepsy, learning difficulties in birth parents etc) but most people will just tick 'happy to consider' for most - we had to exclude any mobility impairments as we'd struggle with no geographically close family to help.

My advice is to get on to the local council adoption team, they'll arrange some initial visits to start things off, after which there are prep groups over a few weekends and social worker visits and assessments which take up to a year but are perhaps necessary to make sure you're committed. I gather foster and adoption follow the same process, but that might just be Edinburgh.

Good luck with it, happy to help with any specific questions you might have.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2020 6:32 pm 
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Frodder wrote:
Afternoon all, how times change. From full-time employment in a variety of sectors and roles Covid 19 has ground everything to a halt a couple of months ago.

Mrs frodder and I have been discussing potentially fostering ever since a family member was nearly adopted by us (very long story). Last week we agreed to go for it and we are moving very quickly through the checking process.

Have any of the PR population been part of this? Any advice please? Anything to look out for? (good and not so good)

Rule 1????

Sorry, couldn't help it. Best of luck frodder, nothing valuable or useful to add, but to echo the general sentiment that if anyone was suited to it, you would be.

(Oh, and you inactionman, obviously😉)


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2020 7:45 pm 
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Boobs not Moobs wrote:
Sadly the kids that are fine are few and far between so I'd just ease yourself into it, don't take on too much, there's some seriously neglected, traumatised children out there.



Unfortunately this, from personal experience.

My wife was a manager at a clothing store. One customer, rather old lady, was fostering a3 year old (think she was 3 when we got to know her).

Most beautiful girl. Looked as if she could pass as my wife child appearance wise.

Mom was a prozzie. Dad a druggie who molested and raped her. At that age she referred to body parts like they do in porn movies. The old lady and her husband was doing a great job, and managed to undo most of the harm caused.

The old lady pleaded with child services that my wife and I can adopt her. Never managed to get them to even look into the possibility, even though she started calling my wife 'mom'.

Child services then, in their almighty wisdom, decided that the lady and her husband are too old for fostering, and instead of looking at us to take over, decided to place her with people who were already fostering 2 other kids.

3 or 4 years later, there was a high profile pedo case in Pretoria, where a mother and father, as well as one of the grand Fathers, were molesting their own kids as well as the kids they were fostering, and filming it for kiddie porn.

The old lady was informed that the kid we wanted to adopt, was one of the kids involved.

We never heard what happened to her after that.

She should be about 18-20 by now, if she's still alive.

My wife and I never managed to deal with it, her name may not even be mentioned in our house for our own sanity's sake.

We decided to give up on trying to adopt, and tried to cope with the fact that we'll stay childless the rest of our lives.

And then a year ago the Almighty gave us Liam, then 13 (although we knew him from 9yo, when his "parents" were our neighbours).

I have to live with the thought that maybe, just maybe, we could've fought harder to get the girl, even after her second set of horrible "parents". Maybe we still could've healed her, at least as far as humanly possible. Now, who knows, she might have committed suicide, or may be a crackhead prostitute herself.

To worry too much about getting "a broken child" for me now, after our experience, feels selfish. Just maybe you can save the child no matter what circumstances he/she comes from.

Might not be easy. Might not be successful. But, isn't it worth it to try? For the child's sake.


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