Having children or not?

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Ali's Choice
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Having children or not?

Post by Ali's Choice »

Was having a chat with a good mate who decided a while back that he and his wife are never having children. He cited lifestyle considerations and the fact that he doesn't want to raise a child in a world that has so many problems. He also believes that he can't afford to ever have children despite both he and his wife earning six figure salaries.

I have children and in some ways I do envy the lifestyle and freedom that he and his Mrs enjoy. But in saying that I wouldn't trade my family lifestyle for what he has.

Are there any posters on this forum who have chosen not to have children? And if so do you ever regret this choice? Conversely are there any family men on this forum who in hindsight wish they'd chosen to remain childless?
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HKCJ
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Re: Having children or not?

Post by HKCJ »

I'm 37 and no kids.. never thought I would to be honest having dedicated myself to the bachelor lifestyle but now having met someone who I'm starting to settle down with I have started to feel much broodier. I'll confess it's bloody weird. I'm not all that fussed about having my own kids though. If we can't I'll be happy to go down the adoption route in due course.
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Jeff the Bear
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Re: Having children or not?

Post by Jeff the Bear »

I too envy those with disposable time, and income. Wouldn't trade my son for it though. He's a laugh a minute, even if at 2 1/2 he's perpetual crisis machine. The real question the missus and I are having at the moment is do we have another. We're finally comfortable with both of us working and raising one child, and the hit in maternity period, plus more years out of the work force is a bit of a killer to long term financial planning.
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Ali's Choice
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Re: Having children or not?

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HKCJ wrote:I'm 37 and no kids.. never thought I would to be honest having dedicated myself to the bachelor lifestyle but now having met someone who I'm starting to settle down with I have started to feel much broodier. I'll confess it's bloody weird. I'm not all that fussed about having my own kids though. If we can't I'll be happy to go down the adoption route in due course.
I can't comment on other jurisdictions but the problem with adoption here in Oz is that they make the process almost impossible to navigate. But I digress, that's for a different thread.

My uncle was a banker and a lifelong playboy/bachelor until he fell in love with a pretty Frenchwoman 20 years his junior and had his first child in his mid 50s. He has always regretted leaving it so late. And he aged about out 30 years between the ages of 55 and 65.
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Ali's Choice
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Re: Having children or not?

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Jeff the Bear wrote:I too envy those with disposable time, and income. Wouldn't trade my son for it though. He's a laugh a minute, even if at 2 1/2 he's perpetual crisis machine. The real question the missus and I are having at the moment is do we have another. We're finally comfortable with both of us working and raising one child, and the hit in maternity period, plus more years out of the work force is a bit of a killer to long term financial planning.
i imagine lots of well meaning people have told you that you simply cannot have just one child? We got lots of that before Mrs AC fell pregnant with #2.
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Re: Having children or not?

Post by Raggs »

Ali's Choice wrote:
Jeff the Bear wrote:I too envy those with disposable time, and income. Wouldn't trade my son for it though. He's a laugh a minute, even if at 2 1/2 he's perpetual crisis machine. The real question the missus and I are having at the moment is do we have another. We're finally comfortable with both of us working and raising one child, and the hit in maternity period, plus more years out of the work force is a bit of a killer to long term financial planning.
i imagine lots of well meaning people have told you that you simply cannot have just one child? We got lots of that before Mrs AC fell pregnant with #2.
Our plans are currently to stop at one. Though we recognise plans can change, at the moment neither of us are interested in a 2nd.

Wouldn't swap my boy for anything or any other lifestyle.
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Jeff the Bear
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Re: Having children or not?

Post by Jeff the Bear »

Ali's Choice wrote:
Jeff the Bear wrote:I too envy those with disposable time, and income. Wouldn't trade my son for it though. He's a laugh a minute, even if at 2 1/2 he's perpetual crisis machine. The real question the missus and I are having at the moment is do we have another. We're finally comfortable with both of us working and raising one child, and the hit in maternity period, plus more years out of the work force is a bit of a killer to long term financial planning.
i imagine lots of well meaning people have told you that you simply cannot have just one child? We got lots of that before Mrs AC fell pregnant with #2.
I feel that it would be better for my son if he had a sibling. Much like HK, I have no problem with adoption, so may well end up going down that route...although someone has started a similar process here in NZ in my office, and has stated some startling issues which may well make things a lot more tricky.
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Re: Having children or not?

Post by Auckman »

Jeff the Bear wrote:I too envy those with disposable time, and income. Wouldn't trade my son for it though. He's a laugh a minute, even if at 2 1/2 he's perpetual crisis machine. The real question the missus and I are having at the moment is do we have another. We're finally comfortable with both of us working and raising one child, and the hit in maternity period, plus more years out of the work force is a bit of a killer to long term financial planning.
Almost exactly in the same boat, only that my son is 5 months now.

As for the OP, I wasn't ready to have kids for a long time and neither was the wife. However, I entered my 30s and then we got married and then we started thinking that if we're ever going to do it, we'd have to start doing it now in the early-mid 30s. So our first one was born this year. Not sure what number kids we'll have but I'd like to think that if we have anymore, we'd get it all out of the way by the time we're 40.
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Jeff the Bear
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Re: Having children or not?

Post by Jeff the Bear »

Auckman wrote:
Jeff the Bear wrote:I too envy those with disposable time, and income. Wouldn't trade my son for it though. He's a laugh a minute, even if at 2 1/2 he's perpetual crisis machine. The real question the missus and I are having at the moment is do we have another. We're finally comfortable with both of us working and raising one child, and the hit in maternity period, plus more years out of the work force is a bit of a killer to long term financial planning.
Almost exactly in the same boat, only that my son is 5 months now.

As for the OP, I wasn't ready to have kids for a long time and neither was the wife. However, I entered my 30s and then we got married and then we started thinking that if we're ever going to do it, we'd have to start doing it now in the early-mid 30s. So our first one was born this year. Not sure what number kids we'll have but I'd like to think that if we have anymore, we'd get it all out of the way by the time we're 40.
That's an interesting point, and goes back to AC's uncle above. I think waiting till you are pretty old yourself to have kids is ultimately not being fair to your eventual offspring. I read the other day that Jeff Goldblum had his first kid when he was 62. That means he'll be an octogenarian by the time his kid graduates (and that's if he lives that long).
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Re: Having children or not?

Post by Demilich »

I got the snip a few years ago at age 30.

Now 4 months into a new lifestyle of travelling the world and working far less hours. No regrets at all.
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Re: Having children or not?

Post by deadduck »

I reckon things would have to go pretty wrong for someone to ever regret having children
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Demilich wrote:I got the snip a few years ago at age 30.

Now 4 months into a new lifestyle of travelling the world and working far less hours. No regrets at all.
So you got the snip prior to having children? Interesting. I'm not sure how common that is, but good on you for backing your judgement.
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Re: Having children or not?

Post by mojo »

I'm in my mid 40's with three little kids.

Those of you thinking about adoption, make me an offer. :nod:

Actually, I'll pay you ...
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Re: Having children or not?

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deadduck wrote:I reckon things would have to go pretty wrong for someone to ever regret having children
Yeah when I re-read the OP I realised that no-one was probably going to admit to that. I just wanted to be equitable and give both sides of the issue a chance to reflect on their choices.
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Re: Having children or not?

Post by Kiwias »

I had two kids in my 20s and do not regret it for a second.

My elder boy had his first daughter 2.5 years ago and they are having their 2nd and 3rd later this year, both my son and his wife in their mid-30s.

He can't believe how much having a child changed his life for the better.
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Re: Having children or not?

Post by Farva »

When we move, Mrs Farva wont be able to work due to visa restrictions, so we will have a test on how we go on one income (albeit a different income to what I would receive in Australia).
I would expect we will have children in the next couple of years though.
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Re: Having children or not?

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Ali's Choice wrote:
deadduck wrote:I reckon things would have to go pretty wrong for someone to ever regret having children
Yeah when I re-read the OP I realised that no-one was probably going to admit to that. I just wanted to be equitable and give both sides of the issue a chance to reflect on their choices.
Perhaps if your kids grow up to vote Liberal?
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Re: Having children or not?

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Kiwias wrote:I had two kids in my 20s and do not regret it for a second.

My elder boy had his first daughter 2.5 years ago and they are having their 2nd and 3rd later this year, both my son and his wife in their mid-30s.

He can't believe how much having a child changed his life for the better.
Yeah, having children changed my life for the better. Made me grow up a lot and settle down.

We had our first child when I was just 24. My then girlfriend (now wife) was taking birth control but we were later informed that some medication she took just prior to falling pregnant could render the pill she was taking ineffective. In a perfect world I wouldn't have had a child quite that young but I wouldn't change anything now. Both my children will be adults by the time I'm in my mid 40s.
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Re: Having children or not?

Post by Ali's Choice »

deadduck wrote:
Ali's Choice wrote:
deadduck wrote:I reckon things would have to go pretty wrong for someone to ever regret having children
Yeah when I re-read the OP I realised that no-one was probably going to admit to that. I just wanted to be equitable and give both sides of the issue a chance to reflect on their choices.
Perhaps if your kids grow up to vote Liberal?
That wouldn't worry me in the slightest. The ALP and Liberal Party have more similarities than differences, and much of the political debate here in Australia boils down to branding, tribalism and the colour of their ties.
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Re: Having children or not?

Post by towny »

Life is much, much better with children. It's the whole point of life ffs. Those who refrain are giving up on one of the most rewarding experiences imaginable.
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Re: Having children or not?

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towny wrote:Life is much, much better with children. It's the whole point of life ffs. Those who refrain are giving up on one of the most rewarding experiences imaginable.

That's the exact type of condescending horseshit I've heard from some of the more smug of my parent friends. Fcuk me it infuriates me. One even said it at a lunch when we were with a couple she knew were going through IVF for the third time.
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towny wrote:Life is much, much better with children. It's the whole point of life ffs. Those who refrain are giving up on one of the most rewarding experiences imaginable.
They will argue that breeders such as yourself shouldn't judge them or their lifestyle choices. Each to their own.
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Post by village »

My aunt never had kids and in her old age clearly regrets the fact. My dad includes her in our family gatherings but I can tell it's quite bittersweet for her, especially since my dad now also has three grandchildren to dote on.

The only time I ever regretted having kids was when my first child had just learned to walk and we spent most of a 14 hour flight tottering up and down the aircraft aisle.
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Re: Having children or not?

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HKCJ wrote:
towny wrote:Life is much, much better with children. It's the whole point of life ffs. Those who refrain are giving up on one of the most rewarding experiences imaginable.

That's the exact type of condescending horseshit I've heard from some of the more smug of my parent friends. Fcuk me it infuriates me. One even said it at a lunch when we were with a couple she knew were going through IVF for the third time.

I don't mean to be rude or condescending at all. I'm just telling you that having children is incredibly rewarding. I'm not sure why you took offence or were angered.

No one is saying you have to have kids. Far from it. I'm just saying that you are missing out on something truly rewarding if you decide that hip restaurants and benders into middle-age are your main priority. ;)
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I thought I'd have kids one day but never considered it seriously. Suddenly there was a 30% sale on wine at my local and BOOM...baby number one.

Baby number 2 was planned and conceived on the first try. It's amazing how different they are. My eldest is a caring, thoughtful child who craves rules and authority. My youngest is a raging stubborn tempest who adores music (he goes into a trance when he listens to it). He no longer watches cartoons and movies. He prefers to watch Youtube clips of Bowie, Queen and the Rolling Stones.

I kind of regret not having kids earlier but I have no idea what kind of dad I would have been at 24. In fact, my daily struggle is constantly wondering what kind of father I am and how my kids will look back on our relationship.
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Re: Having children or not?

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Ali's Choice wrote:
towny wrote:Life is much, much better with children. It's the whole point of life ffs. Those who refrain are giving up on one of the most rewarding experiences imaginable.
They will argue that breeders such as yourself shouldn't judge them or their lifestyle choices. Each to their own.
Well, I never took offence or told him to shut his cake hole when Neil Armstrong boasted about how incredible it was on the moon.
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Re: Having children or not?

Post by Pat the Ex Mat »

I'm 41 and the lady of the House is 47 - we discussed it on our first day 17 years ago and both agreed we didn't want kids.

Mind you, we're not married either - both of these things can cause conniptions in some people.

I have 9 Nephews and Nieces who I spoil.
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Re: Having children or not?

Post by Ali's Choice »

towny wrote: No one is saying you have to have kids. Far from it. I'm just saying that you are missing out on something truly rewarding if you decide that hip restaurants and benders into middle-age are your main priority. ;)
Oh no you didn't :lol:
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Post by Kiwias »

towny wrote:Life is much, much better with children. It's the whole point of life ffs. Those who refrain are giving up on one of the most rewarding experiences imaginable.
My second wife and I do not have children and she would tell you to stop preaching.

In fact, she spent most of her 30s and early-40s telling people to MTOFB when they offered the sort of invaluable insight you did
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Auckman wrote:
Jeff the Bear wrote:I too envy those with disposable time, and income. Wouldn't trade my son for it though. He's a laugh a minute, even if at 2 1/2 he's perpetual crisis machine. The real question the missus and I are having at the moment is do we have another. We're finally comfortable with both of us working and raising one child, and the hit in maternity period, plus more years out of the work force is a bit of a killer to long term financial planning.
Almost exactly in the same boat, only that my son is 5 months now.

As for the OP, I wasn't ready to have kids for a long time and neither was the wife. However, I entered my 30s and then we got married and then we started thinking that if we're ever going to do it, we'd have to start doing it now in the early-mid 30s. So our first one was born this year. Not sure what number kids we'll have but I'd like to think that if we have anymore, we'd get it all out of the way by the time we're 40.
We have a 5 month old as well and will try and knock another one out by the time he is 2. I'm on the fence about anymore than that but the missus is very keen on 3 so I guess I'll just have to do what I'm told.
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Re: Having children or not?

Post by towny »

Kiwias wrote:
towny wrote:Life is much, much better with children. It's the whole point of life ffs. Those who refrain are giving up on one of the most rewarding experiences imaginable.
My second wife and I do not have children and she would tell you to stop preaching.

In fact, she spent most of her 30s and early-40s telling people to MTOFB when they offered the sort of invaluable insight you did
Who's preaching??

The OP asked a question and I answered it.
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Re: Having children or not?

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Thomas wrote:I thought I'd have kids one day but never considered it seriously. Suddenly there was a 30% sale on wine at my local and BOOM...baby number one.

Baby number 2 was planned and conceived on the first try. It's amazing how different they are. My eldest is a caring, thoughtful child who craves rules and authority. My youngest is a raging stubborn tempest who adores music (he goes into a trance when he listens to it). He no longer watches cartoons and movies. He prefers to watch Youtube clips of Bowie, Queen and the Rolling Stones.

I kind of regret not having kids earlier but I have no idea what kind of dad I would have been at 24. In fact, my daily struggle is constantly wondering what kind of father I am and how my kids will look back on our relationship.
I find it hilarious when childless mates tell me they aren't "ready" to have children. Please...no-one is ever ready. You don't suddenly wake up one day with the knowledge that you are mentally, physically and emotionally ready to have offspring. I think you become ready during the child-rearing process.
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towny wrote:
HKCJ wrote:
towny wrote:Life is much, much better with children. It's the whole point of life ffs. Those who refrain are giving up on one of the most rewarding experiences imaginable.

That's the exact type of condescending horseshit I've heard from some of the more smug of my parent friends. Fcuk me it infuriates me. One even said it at a lunch when we were with a couple she knew were going through IVF for the third time.

I don't mean to be rude or condescending at all. I'm just telling you that having children is incredibly rewarding. I'm not sure why you took offence or were angered.

No one is saying you have to have kids. Far from it. I'm just saying that you are missing out on something truly rewarding if you decide that hip restaurants and benders into middle-age are your main priority. ;)
You don't see how the catch all phrases you used are rude and condescending? I suggest you take some self awareness lessons. Life may be better for you and that's great but to make catch all statements like you did is just the smug self satisfied bollocks I expect from the type of people who put those annoying stickers on the back of their car that they have a family. It's that absolute almost cultish belief that their way of parenting is the only correct way.
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Re: Having children or not?

Post by towny »

:lol:

cunt, dry your childless f*cking eyes.
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Re: Having children or not?

Post by Rumham »

Ali's Choice wrote:
Thomas wrote:I thought I'd have kids one day but never considered it seriously. Suddenly there was a 30% sale on wine at my local and BOOM...baby number one.

Baby number 2 was planned and conceived on the first try. It's amazing how different they are. My eldest is a caring, thoughtful child who craves rules and authority. My youngest is a raging stubborn tempest who adores music (he goes into a trance when he listens to it). He no longer watches cartoons and movies. He prefers to watch Youtube clips of Bowie, Queen and the Rolling Stones.

I kind of regret not having kids earlier but I have no idea what kind of dad I would have been at 24. In fact, my daily struggle is constantly wondering what kind of father I am and how my kids will look back on our relationship.
I find it hilarious when childless mates tell me they aren't "ready" to have children. Please...no-one is ever ready. You don't suddenly wake up one day with the knowledge that you are mentally, physically and emotionally ready to have offspring. I think you become ready during the child-rearing process.
This is very true. Plus your kid is at least 9 months away from appearing so there is a lot of time to pass before they arrive.
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Re: Having children or not?

Post by _fatprop »

No kids, no regrets

The biggest issue we found was the endless queries early on of the girlfriend

I found the simplest approach was to tell the questioners I couldn't have children, shut them right up.
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Re: Having children or not?

Post by Bokkom »

HKCJ wrote:
towny wrote:Life is much, much better with children. It's the whole point of life ffs. Those who refrain are giving up on one of the most rewarding experiences imaginable.

That's the exact type of condescending horseshit I've heard from some of the more smug of my parent friends. Fcuk me it infuriates me. One even said it at a lunch when we were with a couple she knew were going through IVF for the third time.
Exactly how I felt when confronted by older people before I got married.

Only after our child was born did I realise, albeit condescending, it is definitely not horseshit.
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Re: Having children or not?

Post by HKCJ »

towny wrote::lol:

cunt, dry your childless f*cking eyes.

:lol:

This is the back of your car isnt it you wanker?

Image
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Re: Having children or not?

Post by Ali's Choice »

HKCJ wrote:
towny wrote:
HKCJ wrote:
towny wrote:Life is much, much better with children. It's the whole point of life ffs. Those who refrain are giving up on one of the most rewarding experiences imaginable.

That's the exact type of condescending horseshit I've heard from some of the more smug of my parent friends. Fcuk me it infuriates me. One even said it at a lunch when we were with a couple she knew were going through IVF for the third time.

I don't mean to be rude or condescending at all. I'm just telling you that having children is incredibly rewarding. I'm not sure why you took offence or were angered.

No one is saying you have to have kids. Far from it. I'm just saying that you are missing out on something truly rewarding if you decide that hip restaurants and benders into middle-age are your main priority. ;)
You don't see how the catch all phrases you used are rude and condescending? I suggest you take some self awareness lessons. Life may be better for you and that's great but to make catch all statements like you did is just the smug self satisfied bollocks I expect from the type of people who put those annoying stickers on the back of their car that they have a family. It's that absolute almost cultish belief that their way of parenting is the only correct way.
HKJC, I think you're overreacting to Towny's comment. I don't see posters who are parents admonishing childless posters on this forum for being condescending and insensitive when posting amazing stories about how great and free their childless lifestyles are and how much extra disposable income they have. Ergo, childless posters shouldn't get offended when a parent boasts about how fantastic having children is.
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Re: Having children or not?

Post by towny »

Let me guess, you own 3 Scottish Terriers and they're your 'babies'. They think they're human, right?
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