Planet Rugby Forum

I was just about to post the following on JJR's thread, but realised that being spectacularly and consistently fucking useless isn't really an achievement...

Anyway, I would 'kick' this thread off, but instead, in its true spirit, this is my rubbish miss-kick which sprained my ankle, making the whole PE class laugh at me. Again:
- I was stripped of my Sixer's rank as a Cub Scout
- Got kicked out of proper Scouts
- I was stripped of my Prefect's badge at upper school (no idea why I had one in the first place as I'd already been suspended twice)
- I was twice demoted as an Air Cadet
- Got kicked out of my first university

And if we're including sporting spasticity, I was bottom of my year for athletics points (what was that all about anyway??) for every year of upper school. I was sooooooo bad I could actually step over a higher bar than I could officially high jump over.

Come on you fellow useless carnts - confess!

Can't wait to see globus' contribution to this one....

I was suspended from high school once for being drunk. Only a couple of beers night before but was still dizzy the next day and smell in my breathe.

...to which list it looks like I can add 'this thread'.

I'm going for a beer.

<Sniff>

I built my brother a kart. A cracker. Unfortunately I did not pay attention to the braking side of things.

He hit a tree and lost both front teeth, and fractured his shoulder.

Mother was not amused.

My history Master had a good stab on my report comments circa 1982
'David sets himself his own remarkably low standards, then fails to achieve them'.

Appraisal opening line from my ex boss circa 2002
'You know, this is difficult, because I think of you as a son.
A son I never wanted'.

eugenefraxby wrote:My history Master had a good stab on my report comments circa 1982
'David sets himself his own remarkably low standards, then fails to achieve them'.

Appraisal opening line from my ex boss circa 2002
'You know, this is difficult, because I think of you as a son.
A son I never wanted'.

Benthos wrote:I was just about to post the following on JJR's thread, but realised that being spectacularly and consistently fucking useless isn't really an achievement...

Anyway, I would 'kick' this thread off, but instead, in its true spirit, this is my rubbish miss-kick which sprained my ankle, making the whole PE class laugh at me. Again:
- I was stripped of my Sixer's rank as a Cub Scout
- Got kicked out of proper Scouts
- I was stripped of my Prefect's badge at upper school (no idea why I had one in the first place as I'd already been suspended twice)
- I was twice demoted as an Air Cadet
- Got kicked out of my first university

And if we're including sporting spasticity, I was bottom of my year for athletics points (what was that all about anyway??) for every year of upper school. I was sooooooo bad I could actually step over a higher bar than I could officially high jump over.

Come on you fellow useless carnts - confess!

Can't wait to see globus' contribution to this one....

One learns feck all from success Benthos. Hence your subsequent success in the muffing/vomiting ampitheatres of life

Incidentally you can add the not ever learning "I before E except after C" to that list

IIRC I got an E grade CSE for Technical Drawing, since the standard for even an A was low to begin with I think it signifies only that you know how to hold a pencil with the point to paper and can make some kind of mark with it.

Missed a turn at the state meet in cross country my senior year, ran an extra couple hundred yards and had to stop when I came up on a crowd getting me completely out of my rhythm. Took 129th out of 129 at a time of 21:59 for a 5k when I was on-track for under 20 minutes. Almost caught 128th but it was right before the final sprint.

My one and only time on a skateboard: top of a hill in a park, start rolling. Start rolling faster. Start rolling very fucking fast indeed. Corner approaches and I have no idea how what to do. So I just keep going straight on into a patch of nettles, thorns and other vicious plants.

My legs, back, front, neck, face, hands, arms and were scratched and stung so much I was basically red all over.

Just went through TSA and passport control. The officer told me off for not reading the huge lit up sign WAIT. I'm dumber than a Yank.

When I was in form 1 & 2 (ie aged about 11 or 12) we'd do 'manual' classes for an hour once a week. Either Woodwork, Sewing or Cooking depending on which term it was.

I was fine with woodwork & cooking but was the shittest seamstress in existence. I couldn't even thread the bobbin on the sewing machine. In the first couple of weeks we were supposed to make a 'hussif' which was a super basic sewing kit. It was literally just a couple of pieces of rectangular material sewn together with some fluffy cotton in between for sticking pins into and a couple of pockets sewn on.

It took me an entire term to complete the hussif while other pupils were making rip wallets & bum bags etc.

Jay Cee Gee wrote:When I was in form 1 & 2 (ie aged about 11 or 12) we'd do 'manual' classes for an hour once a week. Either Woodwork, Sewing or Cooking depending on which term it was.

I was fine with woodwork & cooking but was the shittest seamstress in existence. I couldn't even thread the bobbin on the sewing machine. In the first couple of weeks we were supposed to make a 'hussif' which was a super basic sewing kit. It was literally just a couple of pieces of rectangular material sewn together with some fluffy cotton in between for sticking pins into and a couple of pockets sewn on.

It took me an entire term to complete the hussif while other pupils were making rip wallets & bum bags etc.

Was similarly shite in the same class at the same age but I actually managed to sow the patch to the back of my hand.

Got a U in O level French, actually the whole class bar one person got U's, so perhaps this should be about the teachers remarkable underacheivements

I got 9% in my statistics I exam in my first year.

As the exam was multiple choice with a,b,c,d options , and I guessed them all, statistically I should have got more than 9%.

A5D5E5 wrote:My one and only time on a skateboard: top of a hill in a park, start rolling. Start rolling faster. Start rolling very fucking fast indeed. Corner approaches and I have no idea how what to do. So I just keep going straight on into a patch of nettles, thorns and other vicious plants.

My legs, back, front, neck, face, hands, arms and were scratched and stung so much I was basically red all over.

I had exactly the same experience aged 10, on my first 'adult' bike - went down a hill, only to realise that the brakes didn't work. Gained speed at a phenomenal rate, shot past my mates, only able to stop by hitting the hedge on a corner - which, in summer, was obviously covered in brambles and nettles.

The school tales have reminded me -

Drama report aged around 13: "Matthew delights in ridiculing those who are prepared to make the effort"

Horticulture? Why the f*ck did we have to take horticulture for a year or two?
Exam question: What is mulching?
My answer: the sound the farmer's wellies make when he walks across his field

I took O Level Art, however my exam was so bad, I was awarded a Grade 5 CSE - drawing stick people and 2D army tanks wasn't fully appreciated in the 80s.

fatcat wrote:The school tales have reminded me -

Drama report aged around 13: "Matthew delights in ridiculing those who are prepared to make the effort"

Horticulture? Why the f*ck did we have to take horticulture for a year or two?
Exam question: What is mulching?
My answer: the sound the farmer's wellies make when he walks across his field

..and a rotary hoe is not a loose woman in a Mazda Rx7

eugenefraxby wrote:

Benthos wrote:I was just about to post the following on JJR's thread, but realised that being spectacularly and consistently fucking useless isn't really an achievement...

Anyway, I would 'kick' this thread off, but instead, in its true spirit, this is my rubbish miss-kick which sprained my ankle, making the whole PE class laugh at me. Again:
- I was stripped of my Sixer's rank as a Cub Scout
- Got kicked out of proper Scouts
- I was stripped of my Prefect's badge at upper school (no idea why I had one in the first place as I'd already been suspended twice)
- I was twice demoted as an Air Cadet
- Got kicked out of my first university

And if we're including sporting spasticity, I was bottom of my year for athletics points (what was that all about anyway??) for every year of upper school. I was sooooooo bad I could actually step over a higher bar than I could officially high jump over.

Come on you fellow useless carnts - confess!

Can't wait to see globus' contribution to this one....

One learns feck all from success Benthos. Hence your subsequent success in the muffing/vomiting ampitheatres of life

Incidentally you can add the not ever learning "I before E except after C" to that list

Evenin', Fraxster. So true, so true. However, where is my i-before-e solecism..? If I have thus sinned, you have no idea the shame I shall feel, and the determination with which I shall seek a revolver, a bottle and a moment of privacy. Been a long day/life/eternal spewing into corporeal form of this dysfunctional puff of ectoplasm, so I might be missing a sitter,

Or are youse gettin all snow leopard on my, er, ass..?

argus wrote:I got 9% in my statistics I exam in my first year.

As the exam was multiple choice with a,b,c,d options , and I guessed them all, statistically I should have got more than 9%.

Benthos wrote:

eugenefraxby wrote:

Benthos wrote:I was just about to post the following on JJR's thread, but realised that being spectacularly and consistently fucking useless isn't really an achievement...

Anyway, I would 'kick' this thread off, but instead, in its true spirit, this is my rubbish miss-kick which sprained my ankle, making the whole PE class laugh at me. Again:
- I was stripped of my Sixer's rank as a Cub Scout
- Got kicked out of proper Scouts
- I was stripped of my Prefect's badge at upper school (no idea why I had one in the first place as I'd already been suspended twice)
- I was twice demoted as an Air Cadet
- Got kicked out of my first university

And if we're including sporting spasticity, I was bottom of my year for athletics points (what was that all about anyway??) for every year of upper school. I was sooooooo bad I could actually step over a higher bar than I could officially high jump over.

Come on you fellow useless carnts - confess!

Can't wait to see globus' contribution to this one....

One learns feck all from success Benthos. Hence your subsequent success in the muffing/vomiting ampitheatres of life

Incidentally you can add the not ever learning "I before E except after C" to that list

Evenin', Fraxster. So true, so true. However, where is my i-before-e solecism..? If I have thus sinned, you have no idea the shame I shall feel, and the determination with which I shall seek a revolver, a bottle and a moment of privacy. Been a long day/life/eternal spewing into corporeal form of this dysfunctional puff of ectoplasm, so I might be missing a sitter,

Or are youse gettin all snow leopard on my, er, ass..?

THere is hope for you yet

Apollo 12 astronaut Alan L Bean accidentally destroyed the mission's TV camera by pointing it at the sun, left several rolls of exposed film on the moon by mistake, and was hit on the head by a 16mm film camera when the crew splashed down on Earth...
(Stole from Reddit...)

argus wrote:I got 9% in my statistics I exam in my first year.

As the exam was multiple choice with a,b,c,d options , and I guessed them all, statistically I should have got more than 9%.

Once managed to get 2% on a Maths test. Largely because I chose to only answer one question. My juvenile attempt to get moved out of my class. It didn't work. Teacher made me re-sit the damn thing under supervision.

When I was 15, a friend of mine sat a biology exam. In the exam questions there was a diagram where you had to name the different parts to score marks. My friend labeled one part of the diagram as a 'leaf'. When he received his marked exam back, he was surprised to find out that the diagram was not of a plant but of a human body. And that the part was not a 'leaf' but someone's pancreas. I always remind him of that story whenever I visit his GP clinic.

Benthos wrote:

eugenefraxby wrote:

Benthos wrote:I was just about to post the following on JJR's thread, but realised that being spectacularly and consistently fucking useless isn't really an achievement...

Anyway, I would 'kick' this thread off, but instead, in its true spirit, this is my rubbish miss-kick which sprained my ankle, making the whole PE class laugh at me. Again:
- I was stripped of my Sixer's rank as a Cub Scout
- Got kicked out of proper Scouts
- I was stripped of my Prefect's badge at upper school (no idea why I had one in the first place as I'd already been suspended twice)
- I was twice demoted as an Air Cadet
- Got kicked out of my first university

And if we're including sporting spasticity, I was bottom of my year for athletics points (what was that all about anyway??) for every year of upper school. I was sooooooo bad I could actually step over a higher bar than I could officially high jump over.

Come on you fellow useless carnts - confess!

Can't wait to see globus' contribution to this one....

One learns feck all from success Benthos. Hence your subsequent success in the muffing/vomiting ampitheatres of life

Incidentally you can add the not ever learning "I before E except after C" to that list

Evenin', Fraxster. So true, so true. However, where is my i-before-e solecism..? If I have thus sinned, you have no idea the shame I shall feel, and the determination with which I shall seek a revolver, a bottle and a moment of privacy. Been a long day/life/eternal spewing into corporeal form of this dysfunctional puff of ectoplasm, so I might be missing a sitter,

Or are youse gettin all snow leopard on my, er, ass..?

Dear old hare, it's in the thread title!

In one cricket match in High School I made a duck batting, dropped 4 catches, got hit in the nuts backing up another fielder and then dropped the team chocolate cake at tea-time. I was 12th man the following week.

I slept with a stunner, way back, after a party. We never kissed, cuddled or shared bodily juices.

I brought her a boiled egg and soldiers for brekkies. I have no idea why I did not leap on her.

Too well brought up, I reckon.

Her name was Luba D. Shouldn't let that slip through your fingers, as it were.

Sandstorm wrote:In one cricket match in High School I made a duck batting, dropped 4 catches, got hit in the nuts backing up another fielder and then dropped the team chocolate cake at tea-time. I was 12th man the following week.

Top effort!

I once spent so long talking to a Hari Krishna that he made excuses and left.


KR

I mystifyingly failed GCSE RE. In upper sixth a teacher told us to take our coursework home or it would be thrown out. So I dig it out for curiosity sake to find id forgotten to put my name on it.

Killer Rabbit wrote:I once spent so long talking to a Hari Krishna that he made excuses and left.


KR

That's a great achievement actually.

Sandstorm wrote:In one cricket match in High School I made a duck batting, dropped 4 catches, got hit in the nuts backing up another fielder and then dropped the team chocolate cake at tea-time. I was 12th man the following week.

Chocolate cake for tea !!!

We used to get half an orange and a bengel juice if we were lucky

First competitive rugby match (3rds or maybe even 4ths, can't remember, I won't mention the club), confidently started at scrum half but had been unceremoniously moved out of the way to the wing after about 20 minutes, where I couldn't 'do any further harm'. On one of the few forays into the opposition 22 later in the match, I cut back in on a fantastic diagonal, hit the line at pace... and dropped the pass

I think I only ever appeared as the backs sub after that.

argus wrote:I got 9% in my statistics I exam in my first year.

As the exam was multiple choice with a,b,c,d options , and I guessed them all, statistically I should have got more than 9%.

Reminds me of 6th form economics. My mate Hamish scored about 22% on a multi-choice test and the teacher, a fantastic middle aged bugger who we all thought hilarious, went off on a brilliant bit about how monkeys would have beaten him scoring the test randomly. We were crying with laughter by the end of it.

I got to within 2 subjects of completely my b.comm and quit.

globus wrote:I slept with a stunner, way back, after a party. We never kissed, cuddled or shared bodily juices.

I brought her a boiled egg and soldiers for brekkies. I have no idea why I did not leap on her.

Too well brought up, I reckon.

Her name was Luba D. Shouldn't let that slip through your fingers, as it were.

Errrr... 2 things.
1) Rule 1.
2) Hand in your man card.

Torquemada 1420 wrote:

globus wrote:I slept with a stunner, way back, after a party. We never kissed, cuddled or shared bodily juices.

I brought her a boiled egg and soldiers for brekkies. I have no idea why I did not leap on her.

Too well brought up, I reckon.

Her name was Luba D. Shouldn't let that slip through your fingers, as it were.

Errrr... 2 things.
1) Rule 1.
2) Hand in your man card.

1 No chance.
2 Handed it in ages ago.

I was kicked out of the Southern Counties Finals for javelin for loudly guffing as my main competitor threw.
My Dad was still chuckling as we got home an hour later. Probably the happiest I ever saw him.