A few jokes

LandOTurk · Post by **LandOTurk** » Wed Jan 02, 2019 1:49 am

My wife told me that sex is better on holiday

That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.

People say I’ve got no will power
But I’ve quit drinking loads of times

Jobs going on the local council litter picking...
No experience needed you’ll pick it up as you go along

happyhooker · Post by **happyhooker** » Wed Jan 02, 2019 1:54 am

Ah bless, when someone actually reads the 'jokes' from the Christmas crackers.

LandOTurk · Post by **LandOTurk** » Wed Jan 02, 2019 2:01 am

happyhooker wrote:Ah bless, when someone actually reads the 'jokes' from the Christmas crackers.

Worse still. I got them from Welsh darts players, Gerwyn Price's twitter.

happyhooker · Post by **happyhooker** » Wed Jan 02, 2019 2:18 am

LandOTurk wrote:
happyhooker wrote:Ah bless, when someone actually reads the 'jokes' from the Christmas crackers.
Worse still. I got them from Welsh darts players, Gerwyn Price's twitter.

http://www.dignitas.ch/index.php?option ... 22&lang=en

LandOTurk · Post by **LandOTurk** » Wed Jan 02, 2019 2:35 am

happyhooker wrote:
LandOTurk wrote:
happyhooker wrote:Ah bless, when someone actually reads the 'jokes' from the Christmas crackers.
Worse still. I got them from Welsh darts players, Gerwyn Price's twitter.
http://www.dignitas.ch/index.php?option ... 22&lang=en

Very drole

Dubh01 · Post by **Dubh01** » Wed Jan 02, 2019 2:45 am

A woman is sat at her husband's funeral when a man leans in and says "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"Go right ahead," she replies.
"Plethora," he says.
"Thanks," the woman smiles. "It means a lot."

naki · Post by **naki** » Wed Jan 02, 2019 2:55 am

The most popular jokes of 2019 on twitter so far;

“You’re not interesting because you went to a high school where kids got shot. Why does that mean I have to listen to you? How does that make you interesting. You didn’t get shot. You pushed some fat kid in the way. Now I gotta listen to you talking?”

“They tell you what to call them. “You should address me as they/them because I identify as gender neutral. You should address me as ‘there’ because I identify as a location and the location is your mother’s c**t.”

“He said, ‘You need to stop eating ice cream.’ I said, ‘You need to go f**k yourself, and don’t ever touch me again, you old faggot, you old f***ing Jewish fag”

Turbogoat · Post by **Turbogoat** » Wed Jan 02, 2019 2:59 am

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

It's hard to explain metaphors to thieves because they always take things literally.

I'm hooked on brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

frillage · Post by **frillage** » Wed Jan 02, 2019 5:26 am

happyhooker wrote:Ah bless, when someone actually reads the 'jokes' from the Christmas crackers.

The greatest Christmas cracker joke will always be

Why does Edward Woodward have ds in his name.

kiwinoz · Post by **kiwinoz** » Wed Jan 02, 2019 6:32 am

frillage wrote:
happyhooker wrote:Ah bless, when someone actually reads the 'jokes' from the Christmas crackers.
The greatest Christmas cracker joke will always be

Why does Edward Woodward have ds in his name.

Chris Evan's made a virtual radio career out of that joke.

Akkerman · Post by **Akkerman** » Wed Jan 02, 2019 6:33 am

naki wrote:The most popular jokes of 2019 on twitter so far;
“He said, ‘You need to stop eating ice cream.’ I said, ‘You need to go f**k yourself, and don’t ever touch me again, you old faggot, you old f***ing Jewish fag”

RuggaBugga · Post by **RuggaBugga** » Wed Jan 02, 2019 6:35 am

Dubh01 wrote:A woman is sat at her husband's funeral when a man leans in and says "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"Go right ahead," she replies.
"Plethora," he says.
"Thanks," the woman smiles. "It means a lot."

I like it.

DOB · Post by **DOB** » Wed Jan 02, 2019 6:56 am

Me: It's not how many times you fall down, it's how you get back up.
Officer: That's not how field sobriety tests work, sir.

flaggETERNAL · Post by **flaggETERNAL** » Wed Jan 02, 2019 7:09 am

Dubh01 wrote:A woman is sat at her husband's funeral when a man leans in and says "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"Go right ahead," she replies.
"Plethora," he says.
"Thanks," the woman smiles. "It means a lot."

Raised a chuckle.

backrow · Post by **backrow** » Wed Jan 02, 2019 12:20 pm

if only the forum had someone with experience of writing jokes professionally, and who could give truthfull terse advice and perhaps even say something funny

ManInTheBar · Post by **ManInTheBar** » Wed Jan 02, 2019 12:29 pm

My wife's gone to the West Indies
Jamaica?
No, it was her idea

I'll get my own coat, thanks

Trostan · Post by **Trostan** » Wed Jan 02, 2019 12:37 pm

We ran this year's charity pantomime in assocation with:

The Paranoid Schizophrenic Society, and,
The Association of Challenged Effeminate Gays.

Everything was going fine until the Dame shouted out
"LOOK OUT!. HE'S BEHIND YOU!!"

LandOTurk · Post by **LandOTurk** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 12:58 am

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

Dubh01 · Post by **Dubh01** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 6:19 am

Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver...

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.

True Blue · Post by **True Blue** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 6:28 am

And Jesus said, "Come forth and receive everlasting life."
But John came fifth, and only received a toaster oven.

Openside · Post by **Openside** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 9:34 am

Dubh01 wrote:Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver...

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.

Tez · Post by **Tez** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 10:33 am

A woman decides to have some plastic surgery down below to tighten things up after having four children. When she wakens up post surgery she sees a vase with three roses in it and asks her husband who they are from. “ One is from me because you were very brave. One is from the surgeon because you were an excellent patient” And the third asks his wife? “ Oh that’s from Eric in the Burns Unit to thank you for the new ears”.

Turbogoat · Post by **Turbogoat** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 10:34 am

Tez wrote:A woman decides to have some plastic surgery down below to tighten things up after having four children. When she wakens up post surgery she sees a vase with three roses in it and asks her husband who they are from. “ One is from me because you were very brave. One is from the surgeon because you were an excellent patient” And the third asks his wife? “ Oh that’s from Eric in the Burns Unit to thank you for the new ears”.

I've heard one like that with the third rose coming from Niki Lauda.

ManInTheBar · Post by **ManInTheBar** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 4:08 pm

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but the bulb has to WANT to change

Jensrsa · Post by **Jensrsa** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 4:13 pm

Cricket sledges:

1. Viv Richards & Greg Thomas.
In a county match in England, Thomas was bowling to Richards and getting a few to whizz past the bat. After Richards played and missed another one, Thomas said: “It’s red, it’s round. Now fucken hit it!”. This obviously angered Richards who proceeded to hit the next ball out of the ground. Richards: “You know what it looks like now go and get it.”

4. Sunil Gavaskar & Viv Richards.
In one test between the West Indians and the Indians Sunil Gavaskar decided to drop down to no.4 from his usual opening position. Malcolm Marshall then proceeded to dismiss Gaekwad and Vengsarkar for no score. When Gavaskar came out to bat Richards said: “Man it don’t matter where you come in, the score is still zero!”

6. Ravi Shastri & Mike Whitney.
Mike Whitney was on the field as a sub fielder while Shastri was batting. Shastri hits the ball to Whitney and contemplates a single. Whitney throws the ball in and says: “Stay in your crease or I’ll break your fucken head”. Shastri replies: “If you could bowl as well as you talk you wouldn’t be the fucken 12th man!”.

http://www.ehowzit.co.za/sport/cricket/ ... -all-time/

backrow · Post by **backrow** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 4:21 pm

LandOTurk wrote:A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

that is good.

reminds me of man asks a busty girl "hey, how do you weigh tits ?"

Busty girl "I don't know, how do you weigh tits?"

Man grabs her boobs, jiggles them and goes "WAAAAAY AAYYYY!"

ManInTheBar · Post by **ManInTheBar** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 4:22 pm

One of the all time great bowlers, Glen McGrath was getting frustrated at being unable to dismiss little known Zimbabwean cricketer Eddo Brandes.

McGrath: “Why are you so fat?”

Brandes “Because every time I fudge your wife, she gives me a biscuit.”

globus · Post by **globus** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 4:40 pm

backrow wrote:if only the forum had someone with experience of writing jokes professionally, and who could give truthfull terse advice and perhaps even say something funny

Hello!

CrazyIslander · Post by **CrazyIslander** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 4:45 pm

ManInTheBar wrote:How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but the bulb has to WANT to change

Like

LandOTurk · Post by **LandOTurk** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 4:52 pm

ManInTheBar wrote:One of the all time great bowlers, Glen McGrath was getting frustrated at being unable to dismiss little known Zimbabwean cricketer Eddo Brandes.

McGrath: “Why are you so fat?”

Brandes “Because every time I fudge your wife, she gives me a biscuit.”

This is about the fourth pair of cricketers I have heard this story about.

One was with Warne being the bowler, another with Boon as the batsman, I forget the other. Still funny mine.

sorCrer · Post by **sorCrer** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 4:59 pm

globus wrote:
backrow wrote:if only the forum had someone with experience of writing jokes professionally, and who could give truthfull terse advice and perhaps even say something funny

Hello!

Top effort.

shereblue · Post by **shereblue** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 5:14 pm

England quick James Ormond came in to bat on his debut against a dominant Aussie side.

Mark Waugh said . “fudge me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here? There’s no way you’re good enough to play for England.”

Ormond replied: “Maybe not, but at least I’m the best player in my family.”

shereblue · Post by **shereblue** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 5:14 pm

England quick James Ormond came in to bat on his debut against a dominant Aussie side.

Mark Waugh said . “fudge me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here? There’s no way you’re good enough to play for England.”

Ormond replied: “Maybe not, but at least I’m the best player in my family.”

CrazyIslander · Post by **CrazyIslander** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 5:30 pm

There was one about a Wallaby halfback shouting "four more years" at the ABs pack. It wasn't well received across the ditch tbh.

Average Joe · Post by **Average Joe** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 5:37 pm

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.

CrazyIslander · Post by **CrazyIslander** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 5:44 pm

Average Joe wrote:How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.

Reading that I realised I didnt know the answer to the blonde version. So I googled.
A: 100 - 1 to hold the bulb and 99 to rotate the house.

Very good

dinsdale · Post by **dinsdale** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 5:58 pm

How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change a lightbulb?

All of them. One to change the bulb and all the rest to go on about what a great batsman Geoffrey Boycott was.

earl the beaver · Post by **earl the beaver** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 6:32 pm

All those cricket ones above are shite tbf

ManInTheBar · Post by **ManInTheBar** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 6:53 pm

How many members of MCC does it take to change a light bulb?

Change ??

CHANGE???

Openside · Post by **Openside** » Fri Jan 04, 2019 7:38 pm

ManInTheBar wrote:How many members of MCC does it take to change a light bulb?

Change ??

CHANGE???

Nicked!!