That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.
People say I’ve got no will power
But I’ve quit drinking loads of times
Jobs going on the local council litter picking...
No experience needed you’ll pick it up as you go along
Worse still. I got them from Welsh darts players, Gerwyn Price's twitter.happyhooker wrote:Ah bless, when someone actually reads the 'jokes' from the Christmas crackers.
http://www.dignitas.ch/index.php?option ... 22&lang=enLandOTurk wrote:Worse still. I got them from Welsh darts players, Gerwyn Price's twitter.happyhooker wrote:Ah bless, when someone actually reads the 'jokes' from the Christmas crackers.
Very drolehappyhooker wrote:http://www.dignitas.ch/index.php?option ... 22&lang=enLandOTurk wrote:Worse still. I got them from Welsh darts players, Gerwyn Price's twitter.happyhooker wrote:Ah bless, when someone actually reads the 'jokes' from the Christmas crackers.
The greatest Christmas cracker joke will always behappyhooker wrote:Ah bless, when someone actually reads the 'jokes' from the Christmas crackers.
Chris Evan's made a virtual radio career out of that joke.frillage wrote:The greatest Christmas cracker joke will always behappyhooker wrote:Ah bless, when someone actually reads the 'jokes' from the Christmas crackers.
Why does Edward Woodward have ds in his name.
naki wrote:The most popular jokes of 2019 on twitter so far;
“He said, ‘You need to stop eating ice cream.’ I said, ‘You need to go f**k yourself, and don’t ever touch me again, you old faggot, you old f***ing Jewish fag”
Dubh01 wrote:A woman is sat at her husband's funeral when a man leans in and says "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"Go right ahead," she replies.
"Plethora," he says.
"Thanks," the woman smiles. "It means a lot."
Dubh01 wrote:A woman is sat at her husband's funeral when a man leans in and says "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"Go right ahead," she replies.
"Plethora," he says.
"Thanks," the woman smiles. "It means a lot."
Dubh01 wrote:Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver...
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.
I've heard one like that with the third rose coming from Niki Lauda.Tez wrote:A woman decides to have some plastic surgery down below to tighten things up after having four children. When she wakens up post surgery she sees a vase with three roses in it and asks her husband who they are from. “ One is from me because you were very brave. One is from the surgeon because you were an excellent patient” And the third asks his wife? “ Oh that’s from Eric in the Burns Unit to thank you for the new ears”.
1. Viv Richards & Greg Thomas.
In a county match in England, Thomas was bowling to Richards and getting a few to whizz past the bat. After Richards played and missed another one, Thomas said: “It’s red, it’s round. Now fucken hit it!”. This obviously angered Richards who proceeded to hit the next ball out of the ground. Richards: “You know what it looks like now go and get it.”
4. Sunil Gavaskar & Viv Richards.
In one test between the West Indians and the Indians Sunil Gavaskar decided to drop down to no.4 from his usual opening position. Malcolm Marshall then proceeded to dismiss Gaekwad and Vengsarkar for no score. When Gavaskar came out to bat Richards said: “Man it don’t matter where you come in, the score is still zero!”
http://www.ehowzit.co.za/sport/cricket/ ... -all-time/6. Ravi Shastri & Mike Whitney.
Mike Whitney was on the field as a sub fielder while Shastri was batting. Shastri hits the ball to Whitney and contemplates a single. Whitney throws the ball in and says: “Stay in your crease or I’ll break your fucken head”. Shastri replies: “If you could bowl as well as you talk you wouldn’t be the fucken 12th man!”.
LandOTurk wrote:A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
Hello!backrow wrote:if only the forum had someone with experience of writing jokes professionally, and who could give truthfull terse advice and perhaps even say something funny
LikeManInTheBar wrote:How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but the bulb has to WANT to change
ManInTheBar wrote:One of the all time great bowlers, Glen McGrath was getting frustrated at being unable to dismiss little known Zimbabwean cricketer Eddo Brandes.
McGrath: “Why are you so fat?”
Brandes “Because every time I fudge your wife, she gives me a biscuit.”
globus wrote:Hello!backrow wrote:if only the forum had someone with experience of writing jokes professionally, and who could give truthfull terse advice and perhaps even say something funny
Reading that I realised I didnt know the answer to the blonde version. So I googled.Average Joe wrote:How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
ManInTheBar wrote:How many members of MCC does it take to change a light bulb?
Change ??
CHANGE???